


Shrinking Universe

by Celes889, majoreave



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Major Violence, Male Slash, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 18:26:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 36,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/625260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celes889/pseuds/Celes889, https://archiveofourown.org/users/majoreave/pseuds/majoreave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the war against the Reapers, Major Kaidan Alenko finds himself estranged from the Alliance, his friends, and what he really feels.  As events around him begin to unfold they drudge up old memories of Shepard, what it means to be human, and what the universe really has in store for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Micro Cuts

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted as separate works under one collection, but I've decided since I know the system better to compile everything into one story. Celes889 was beta-reader for the first eight chapters, and if something was missed then it was entirely my fault and not hers. Kaidan might seem out of character a bit but I promise it will all make sense. The sexy-times stuff is spread throughout the story, and there isn't much in the beginning, but there will be a good amount later on.

“Vega, get your ass down to hangar bay now!”

Garrus’ voice erupted over comm the moment the Normandy had been away, surviving the explosion caused by the Citadel by narrow chance. Joker was the best damn pilot in the fleet and Garrus had never been more appreciative of the crippled pilot in his life. But he was less than pleased with the turn of events involving Major Kaidan Alenko after the Kodiak touched the landing pad with a heavy slam.

“What’s the situation?”

“Major Alenko is having a hard time.”

That was an understatement. Blue flashes of light flared and blinded as Kaidan threw his biotic power at those attempting to drag him out of the shuttle, shouting at the lot of them in an attempt to force them to let him go back.

“He’s still alive and you all know it!” A fist bathed in blue slammed into Cortez’s jaw, tossing him back like a rag doll before turning on Garrus. The Turian was more than a match for the biotic Marine, but Garrus knew he would have to approach the matter a lot harsher than originally intended.

“Major Alenko. Stand down.”

Vega appeared a moment later, elevator doors whooshing open to chaos aboard the Normandy, a home to all of them. “Hey, Alenko! Give it a break!”

Kaidan balled both hands into fists, glaring at Garrus, realizing just how dangerous the Turian was when it became apparent the sniper rifle pointed at him would hold no hesitation from the wielder. “I repeat, Major Alenko, _stand down_.”

A step forward was all Vega got before Kaidan turned to him, reaching out with a push to shove the other Marine back into the wall, giving Garrus enough time to charge forward, butt of his rifle slamming into the side of Kaidan’s head.

Visions swimming, head spinning, Major Alenko dropped to one knee, and the rest of his body crumbling a moment later as everything dissolved into pitch black nothing.

_A void._

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Will he be alright?”

“He has sustained a concussion from your unorthodox method of forcing him to stand down, but he will be fine with plenty of rest.”

“Doctor Chakwas…”

“No need to explain the situation to me, Garrus. What’s done is done and we cannot take it back.”

Garrus was silent after those words, turning to Kaidan now as he lay strapped to the medical examination table in the Med-Bay. Still aboard the Normandy. The Turian was blurred in his vision, in and out of focus constantly.

They must have taken him there.

“I will be back to check on him in a few hours.”

“Very well. He won’t be leaving the Med-Bay until I am sure he does not suffer from brain damage.”

Again the world faded from view, eyes closing as Kaidan sunk into oblivion.

_Fire. Heat._

_The world around him quickly descended into madness, panic flooding through everything he was._

_Bullets ricocheted around him, piercing through armor and padding on Alliance soldiers. They fell, left and right; death and destruction abound._

_“Watch your six, Kaidan! Enemies approaching!”_

_He turned just as soon as Shepard had given the warning, firing off the Vindicator in his hands. The Marauder fell with little resistance, giving Kaidan enough time to duck behind cover next to Shepard._

_Back in the battle._

_And then fire again._

_Flash-forward — their talk, their last kiss — the explosion and then… nothing._

The hum of mass effect fields and the thrumming of engines gave Kaidan his first clue to still being in the Med-Bay aboard the Normandy. It didn’t take long before the pain started. Not from his head or from the injuries he’d sustained on the field of battle on Earth, but from within his chest. An ache so deep he couldn’t stop the moan from escaping. Tears, hot and stinging, flooded his eyes before flowing down a moment a later. 

“John…”

He couldn’t stop it, the choking sound, the want to go back to find him, save him from whatever fate he was supposed to have met. They were right about Commander Shepard, about what was going to happen, about the end. No matter how hard he’d tried to believe it, the hope he had about their survival and the universe carrying on, Kaidan had lost everything.

Earth was safe, life could carry on, but he had lost _everything_.

Power ripped through his body in waves, empowering him to break free of the restraints pinning him to the exam table. The floor was cold as he rolled off, trying to steady himself. No armor, only the thick black weave material. It was cold, too cold for his liking, but he was so numb he couldn’t feel it.

Not now. Would he ever feel again?

The elevator doors closed with a breath of air, brushing against his skin and through his hair. Couldn’t feel again.

What happened? How was he supposed to piece it together? The ache came back, forcing him to back up to the wall of the elevator, leaning and supporting his weight as best he could.

They opened an eternity later to the top floor, to the restricted and locked cabin that once belonged to Commander John Shepard.

“Major Alenko. This area of the Normandy is restricted.”

EDI’s voice didn’t surprise him, not when he was already sure she had alerted Doctor Chakwas and perhaps Garrus to his whereabouts. “Please let me in EDI.”

“I cannot do that.”

“Please…”

His voice cracked with the strain of ache, his chest on fire, his body tingling to numbness. There was a pause in her response, a delay of seconds that dragged on for what seemed like ever.

The doors to Shepard’s cabin parted a moment later, giving him entrance.

It was difficult for him to take that first step. A world of good memories drowned in the somber liquid of loss. Drowning, unable to break the surface for air. Cool air ghosted over his skin at his move, forcing himself inside far enough for the doors to close behind him.

Shepard’s hamster peered at him from behind the glass of its small cage, fish swimming carefree and unaware of their owner’s loss. Blue light blanketed everything; blinking consoles of orange displayed the armory and, even more personally, the picture of Kaidan by the personal terminal on Shepard’s desk.

Everything was as they had left it the day before.

Or was it that day? How long had he been out?

The pressure was too much and he collapsed to his knees, pitching forward now to curl in on himself, covering his head as the first wave of mourning hit him harder than any alcohol and any pain could have before.

It had been there, he’d had it. And in a moment it was snatched away, slamming home the very real notion he was finally alone. Alone and without the man he’d wanted for the last several years. Back on Eden Prime he had seen the damage done to Shepard by the Prothean beacon but had no idea it would lead to his death. And then there were the Collectors, snatching Shepard away after Kaidan had agreed to follow orders to abandon ship when the Normandy was exploding around them. Into the void Shepard had gone, and Kaidan had lost hope that day.

Then Horizon, Shepard alive, and the news had been the most uplifting thing he’d heard in the last two years. But Cerberus involvement came up and Kaidan had been cold to him, turned away from Shepard when he’d wanted nothing more than to have Kaidan by his side.

The fight against the Collectors had been rejoiced but Shepard had been demoted and put on suspension, his ship impounded, and Kaidan had been there every step of the way. Earth had been hit not soon afterwards and ever since he’d been determined to tell Shepard how he felt. Even if that meant breaking trust in a friendship he’d truly believed would last a lifetime.

Now Shepard was dead, and he was left alone on the floor of his Commander’s cabin.

“Kaidan?”

A small voice, recognizably accented like that of several countries on Earth but Kaidan knew better.

Tali’Zorah appeared by his side, perching on her knees and sliding one arm under his own, attempting to bring him to stand. But he pulled away from her, eyes narrowed as he finally got the courage to look up at her. And the deep pain, the hurt and emptiness reflected there was enough for her to sit back, curling her arms around her knees in response. “I am sorry Kaidan.”

Sorry wasn’t going to cut it.

“No you’re not.”

His voice was cracked, throat tightened and burning, Kaidan biting back the want to cry more. Already his face was shiny with tears and Tali took notice of this as well. “We all are.” Quietly through her exo-suit’s communicator and Kaidan knew she meant it. Deep down _he knew_ , but he couldn’t accept it, not so soon.

“Did you love him?”

White heat flooded through him again making it hard to breathe, to feel anything but what he knew was the absolute truth. He had loved John Shepard, and he had lost that which he believed — _hoped_ — he would have forever.

Tali was as silent as the Major rotting in his misery.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She left Kaidan on the floor of Shepard’s cabin half an hour later, silently departing in the hopes he would be alright but knowing whole-heartedly there was no chance any of them would be the same.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Cold. So cold. His insides had turned to ice. John’s lips against his own, sharing a kiss Kaidan had the terrible feeling of being their last._

_He didn’t even get to say I love you properly._

Kaidan didn’t know how long he was out. He didn’t know where the Normandy was, nor where they were going. Floundering in space for some kind of leadership. Earth was in shambles, the Citadel damaged but not completely destroyed, and the rest of the universe was searching for answers. They had to be. But there was no room for answers or questions or even satisfaction at their victory.

There was only the void.

And Kaidan was caught in the middle of it, back against the side of the bed as he looked up, resting his head against the mattress to stare at the blinking of stars beyond the mass effect field covering them. The Mass Relays had worked? They were on their way to an unknown destination. How?

“Major Alenko?” EDI’s voice echoed throughout the cabin, drawing his attention to the comm speaker above the virtual interactive armory. “Garrus would like to speak with you.”

Kaidan drew his knees to his chest, holding them there with all the strain of a man forsaken in the entire galaxy.

“He is outside.”

EDI wouldn’t be able to stop Garrus from taking command of the ship at least temporarily. He was considered the closest friend of Commander Shepard, a man and alien John could trust. The love shared between Kaidan and Shepard would not matter where the chain of command was concerned and he knew it.

“Kaidan?” The Turian stood as tall as he could, trying to remain in control but knowing what he was dealing with was both volatile and invasive. Major Alenko had to be brought back to the Med-Bay, then transferred to what was left of Huerta Memorial Hospital for observation and treatment. Doctor Chakwas had recommended and she’d never been wrong.

“Tali mentioned she tried to talk with you — with no luck. Felt I would try all the same.”

It was difficult for a Turian to sit the way humans did, but Garrus managed to bring himself down to eye level with Kaidan. Aliens were always a strange sight to Kaidan, something he would never quite come to settle, and being near Garrus was the same as with any other species.

“I know you miss Shepard. I know you were only doing what you did to try and save him.” Kaidan felt the wash of sudden ache not a moment later, wanting to tell the Turian to shut his mouth but missing the opportunity to do so. “He couldn’t be saved. This was his choice, his journey, and he wanted to see it through to the end.”

No, it wasn’t supposed to be his journey, not alone. Kaidan would have died at his side, loyal to the end. His faithfulness would not stop at death either. They would move on to better, brighter things in the great beyond, wherever that was. It had only been a matter of time before he’d lost everything.

He’d lost Shepard.

“He didn’t have to go, Garrus. He didn’t have to die.” Anger surged through him a moment later, forcing blue to undulate over his hands, up his arms, to his chest. _Out of control._

“Kaidan…”

“Leave me alone, Garrus.” The Turian did not move from his spot, did not respond to Kaidan’s verbally subtle warning, and instead reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder.

And was thrown back into the wall beneath the fish tank with a grunt, Kaidan rising now, hands balled into fists in preparation of another assault. “I said leave!”

Garrus didn’t have to be told twice. If he had learned anything from Jack it had to be an angry biotic was one you didn’t want to fuck with.

“Just remember Kaidan. Those who are there for you the most won’t always be by your side when you finally push them away.”

And he was alone in the droning of Shepard’s cabin once more. Dizziness washed over him, a dull pulsing starting at the base of his skull and working its way up a moment later. A migraine was starting and it was _not_ the best time. Shepard was gone — gone forever. Kaidan couldn’t hold him, couldn’t love him, couldn’t touch him.

Was this the end?

“Oh John…”

Buried in the sheets, clutching John’s pillow as if his life depended on it, head throbbing unbearably. Behind his eyes the pain flared in a super nova of white lightning. The hum of the engines was deafening, the shift of mass effect over the ship through a form of hyper drive.

The last time he had been here it had been of free spirit, of proving how much he cared and loved the man he had worked with for so long. He’d never imagined he would have come that point in his life. Everything mean something and he had never wanted it to end the way that it did.

But he couldn’t always have his way, not when the gunfight was continuing around them, blasting through soldiers and down on into the missions of his life. All that time he had and he had squandered it.

Now he had all the time in the universe to regret.

And that sudden push of aching, of a longing he would never be able to break away from again. He’d struggled through John’s death the first time — he wouldn’t survive a second.


	2. Who Knows Who

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months have passed since the war against the Reapers ended, and James Vega, now an N7 operative and Commander of the Normandy, is sent to Omega to deal with the rise of the Blue Suns. But he meets the last person in the universe he ever expected — former Major Kaidan Alenko.

‘Sir, I’m aware of the situation and will do my best to get a handle on—‘

‘You are not, Commander Vega, to do anything about it. There are procedures we must follow and without a sense of order we cannot bring the leadership the Alliance desperately needs back together.’ Admiral Hackett seemed furious. His face did not betray this, not entirely, leaving Commander James Vega to assume he was required to keep his mouth shut while the Admiral said his peace.

Maybe it was because of how long it had taken to rebuild their chain of command. Maybe it was the losses they’d all suffered in the final battle. Commander Vega knew something was bound to happen, bound to show up on the radar. Mercenary groups were not _exactly_ what he had in mind but they were good enough.

The Normandy crew was eager to get back in the game.

‘What are your orders, sir?’ James spoke the way a true Alliance marine would — always waiting for his next set of orders.

Admiral Hackett could feel the contempt through the video comm James Vega had to for him and how he was treating him but stress was running high through everyone. Restoring the Council, finding the perfect choices for Spectre status, and of course seeking to rebuild the Citadel to her entirety was all taking its toll.

The most he could do was give all Alliance soldiers something to look forward to.

‘Omega has shown up on our radar again, mercenary involvement racking up quite the body count. Intel has it the Blue Suns are verging on a turf-war with Eclipse and soon the Blood Pack.’ He paused, sizing up Commander Vega in an attempt to be sure the recent N7 graduate was ready for this mission. ‘You are to bring a small crew to deal with the mercenaries. Stop them before they gain more than a foothold on Omega.’

Intervention then? Commander Vega stood further at attention, back straight and shoulders tense, only raising his arm to salute the Admiral. ‘Will do, sir.’

Hackett didn’t even bother with a salute and instead switched off the video comm, leaving Vega standing by himself in the War Room.

What was the point of seeking out and squashing all mercenary activity on Omega? Were the three groups intending on making their way throughout the universe? It had been barely several months since the destruction of the Reapers, the death of Commander John Shepard, and the unification of all major alien species. What purpose did he serve cleaning up the messes of others?

‘Commander Vega.’

James turned now to focus on the operative who had approached him, stretching out tense muscles from how at attention he had shown he could be to the Admiral. ‘EDI.’

‘Garrus requests your presence in the CIC. He says it’s important.’ Her sleek metallic body had taken on more of a natural, human appearance — an Alliance uniform, black hair cut to just above her shoulders, and piercing blue eyes he was sure still swam with techno-code he would never comprehend. Whatever Joker saw in her he could understand came from her ability to switch things up. Just to keep them interesting, maybe.

‘Thank you EDI.’

He headed past her towards the doors and bio-scanner leading out of the War Room, finding it took him only twenty-two seconds to pass through the scanning net and on into the Combat Information Center, the main flight deck on the Normandy.

Garrus was still there as EDI had relayed in her verbal message, standing tall with his eyes on the galaxy map as it hovered in the center console. The Normandy had survived, everyone had survived, and despite injuries they were all back to their best. Tali’Zorah vas Rannoch had returned to her homeworld to rebuild and her absence was noted from those gathered. There was no Liara for intel and medical support, nor was there a Kaidan to give them biotic support in her place. Even EDI had retired her ground deploy after her body had been damaged in the space firefight with the Reapers.

But as far as Vega knew they all were surviving in a post-war torn universe.

‘Commander Vega.’ Garrus spoke with a gruffness reserved for those he still had some distrust of. Being a Turian General meant a lot to him but being something of a legend alongside that of Commander Shepard was even heavier. He was an alien who had proven himself as human as the rest, and despite the species finally getting along it was a shame a good man had to die to make it right.

‘I am sure you’re aware of the situation on Omega?’ The Turian’s tone held some reservations. He had to be sure the new Commander of the Normandy was ready for this sort of responsibility, especially so soon after promotion from the program that bred special operatives like Shepard had been.

A moment of silence was had before Vega nodded. ‘Admiral Hackett filled me in. Blue Suns, Eclipse, Blood Pack — this is turning into quite the reunion.’

‘Oh yes. Quite.’ Garrus turned to the galaxy map now, bringing up schematics of Omega downloaded from a derelict Cerberus station. ‘Last month, Aria T’Loak reclaimed her position as unofficial leader of Omega. After having control wrested from her courtesy of the Illusive Man, she had her sights set on revenge.’ The three-dimensional display shifted to an inner-working of tunnels and paths, chambers highlighted by accumulated activity of living things. ‘She returned and wiped out Cerberus with the assistance of her mercenary groups, or what remained of them, and obtained leadership amongst them in an attempt to keep them together.’ Mandibles flared even as Garrus’ eyes flickered to where Vega was standing with his hands behind his back, clearing his throat and allowing the plates of his face to smooth over before continuing.

‘The Blue Suns are the most dangerous as most vorcha on Omega have been…eradicated. Eclipse lost both their leaders in the fight against the Reapers but are steadily filling in ranks as we speak. The Blood Pack have their population decreased, I mentioned, but what we are supposed to focus on are the Blue Suns.’

Vega took a moment to step forward at the sudden shift in visual again, displaying recent security video near the hidden access VIP room of Afterlife. ‘Is that…?’

‘We took note of the individual in N7 armor the moment he appeared on log.’ Garrus’ voice had grown…colder. He was angry at someone for their audacity, defiling the name of the outfit Shepard had proudly claimed to belong too. He’d kept the armor and wore it as often as possible except when upgrade was necessary, after all.

‘Do we have identification?’

Garrus said nothing, shifting his gaze downwards with a small sigh. ‘No.’ Another moment of silence before he continued. ‘There is no physical evidence of what he looks like under that armor. We only know Shepard’s personal armor was salvaged and displayed in London’s Memorial Garden back on Earth.’

James couldn’t help the holding of his own breath, head swimming with all the ideas of who it could possibly be.

But the Turian sharp-shooter laid those reservations to rest sooner rather than later. ‘Shepard’s uniform and equipment were taken a month ago.’

Wait, a month? James cocked one eyebrow in response, crossing his arms now. ‘A month? You mean around the same time Aria got her base back?’

‘Precisely,’ Garrus said.

‘Damn.’

‘That’s what I said.’ The Turian still had a small sense of a humor, one side of his mandibles flared in a mock expression of grinning. ‘We may have a double mission on our hands, with several possible outcomes. Personally I want to find the son of a bitch who defiled what we have left of Shepard and teach him not to mess with a war hero’s personal effects.’

Vega couldn’t have agreed more.

‘Then we better get our asses to Omega.’ His words were stern through gritted teeth, casting a glance up now. ‘EDI. Tell Joker to set a course for Omega. We have business with Aria T’Loak and her motley crew of mercs.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Omega hadn’t changed much since before the war. It remained relatively untouched by the Reapers. Aside from a few husk corpses and some marauders here and there it had been easy to clean up. Burn the reaper ground forces, kick out Cerberus.

But the crime had spiked since Aria regained control. Her influence allowed others to follow the one rule of Omega without consequence: don’t fuck with Aria.

Commander Vega saw no way to get around Aria, and the conversation with her had been more along the lines of ‘don’t punch a hole in the side of Omega and you won’t have to deal with the consequences’. Oh, and her threat had turned into comparing him to Commander Shepard, but that was neither here nor there.

They’d at least gotten permission to roam around the station as they pleased.

‘Garrus. Anything yet?’ James was hoping it would have gone the way he wanted. With just him and Garrus on this wild ride there was bound to be some trouble.

‘Not yet.’ The Turian’s voice relayed quietly from Vega’s omni-tool.

‘Keep on it. Aria said rumors pointed to this area of Omega.’

Raising his assault rifle with his focus on the area around him, it turned into the hair raising at the back of his neck beneath his Kevlar-collar, forced to stretch muscles and move shoulders to get more comfortable. Crouched behind cover and trying to keep steady had always proven difficult for a man who enjoyed the thrill of a fight more than the outcome itself. Maybe that’s what made Shepard a better leader. He was always willing to do the right thing as long as everyone was alright in the end.

‘Vega. I have a lock. They’re on the move about sixty meters from your position.’ Garrus’ voice gave James quite a startle, but he responded anyway. ‘Got it. Moving.’

Down the catwalks above the apartments, cutting a swath over buildings that would have gotten in his way. And he saw them, armor blue and pristine but instead of holding some white held a majority black with the vivid azure. The symbol of their gang held true on the back plates between lights alerting to the armors’ shield status. Full power — they were getting better funded or better at creating their own tech.

‘I see them Garrus,’ James said after several minutes of moving over rough boxes and even rougher walkways.

Two Batarians without their helmets were directly behind the leader of their little squad, flanking him on the left and right. Two Turians were not far behind them, sniper rifles at the ready for distance shots most likely. Vega took a deep breath, holding it as he watched them continue after their pause near a woman sitting on the street.

The leader had knelt down to help her, offering — were those _credits_?

In all the confrontations that he’d had over the last couple of months involving the Blue Suns he had never seen them give out their profit to the homeless or the needy. Had they taken a turn for the better? Was this not a gang war and instead a mission to bring together mercenary groups the same as Shepard had done once before?

‘Commander.’ Garrus’ voice crackled over comm.

Vega didn’t answer for just a moment.

‘Commander Vega. Are you there?’ Garrus sounded urgent this time.

‘Yeah, sorry,’ he responded, trying to keep his voice down. ‘They’re heading down to the medical clinic.’

‘The one Mordin once had here?’

Vega had no idea if Mordin Solus did have one or not, but he tried to affirm anyway. ‘Sounds like it.’

‘We have to move. There are innocent people there and we can’t afford to see them die.’

Vega knew Garrus had a point, already back on his feet and sliding down the maintenance ladder to the walkways between apartment buildings. If they were running interception they had to do it the right way. The element of surprise was on their side and he had to warn Garrus what his plan was — had to think on his feet. That’s what N7 operatives did.

‘Garrus, get in position ahead of them. Eyes on Batarians. I’ll take the Turians. Isolate the leader, we have this mission in the bag.’

A grunt was all Garrus gave in agreement, going on radio silence as he got into position. Garrus was good with this kind of thing.

The Turians were the first to notice the figure moving up behind them, turning and preparing to warn the rest of the squad. A fist bathed in blue drove home through visor and into mandibles while the other was met with a shot of heavy force to the face, skull crushing and breaking apart in a spray of bluish blood before his body could drop and hit the ground.

An echoing clang resounded as one of the Batarians dropped, but the other had enough time to turn and fire off hot rounds at James, forcing the Marine to dodge to the side out of the way, bullet narrowly missing throat and collarbone by centimeters.

‘Cover fire.’ A voice came out, husky and deep from beneath the helmet that Vega now recognized as Commander Shepard’s. Recovered and displayed as the lasting effects and legacy of the man who united and saved the galaxy. Anger seethed through him as the Batarian kept him down behind thick metal barricade for cover, their main target heading off.

‘Garrus. Get him.’

‘On it.’

Another shot rang out but the leader of the squad raised his arm, blue forming around him and rippling with the sudden impact of the high-caliber round from Garrus’ rifle.

‘He just blocked my shot.’

‘I saw.’

The Batarian had to deal with a frag grenade in his direction, hurled by Yours-Truly-Commander-Vega, aiming to get past the cover defense and on to the bastard who mocked everything the universe stood for now.

‘He’s on the move Garrus!’ Vega shouted into the communicator tying him to Garrus.

‘I know. I know!’

‘Do something about it!’

The sight of the Turian leaping from the top walkway to ground level gave Vega insight on how serious Garrus was taking this whole mission. Aiming his rifle he prepared a shot, pausing before taking in a deep breath to gather his concentration. ‘This is for Shepard.’

A round fired off, slamming into the shoulder padding of the Blue Suns leader, a reverberation of blue again staving off a deeper shot.

God, this just had to be difficult.

‘Stop!’ Vega did the only thing he could — shout.

Garrus aimed another shot, preparing to fire when the leader turned, bringing up his hand to form a protective blue shield. A moment later he gathered that energy, flinging it at the Turian. Off his feet and into the wall, that’s where Garrus went. Vega, on the other hand, already had his assault rifle raised. ‘I said stop!’

And much to his utter surprise the man did stop, lowering his weapon after having leveled it at the commander.

A stand-off had started — Vega was going to finish it.

‘Why did you take Commander Shepard’s armor?’ Vega asked, trying in some kind of desperation to get the answers he wanted and to quell the situation before it got any worse.

‘Because it rightfully belongs to me,’ a gruff voice responded through the helmet’s communicator.

Vega almost lowered his weapon — almost — when he thought he recognized that intonation. Two months and he’d not forgotten what his teammates’ voices sounded like, not since he had been given the opportunity to speak with them all in the last couple of weeks.

Except for one.

‘Major Alenko?’ Vega lowered his weapon entirely now, settling it near his hip with one hand still wrapped around the grip and the trigger with a finger on it. What was he doing with the Blue Suns?

‘It’s Kaidan now.’ At the press of a button on his omni-tool, the Blue Suns leader revealed himself to the new Commander of the Normandy. A man not seen since the aftermath of the war and the victory. It had been a loss for the crew, and a loss that felt deeper for Alenko than others. ‘And I don’t have to answer to you.’

Vega was stunned, albeit only for a moment, recovering just as quickly when he realized what was going on. ‘Why the Blue Suns? What about the Alliance?’

A scoff was all Kaidan could give. ‘You wouldn’t understand even if I explained it to you, Vega.’ Brown eyes, hollowed and empty the longer they stared into Vega’s finally tore themselves away, looking down at the Batarians and over to the Turians where they had fallen. ‘I live my own life, and I would prefer to keep it that way.’

‘But a mercenary?’ The Commander was still trying to fight this losing battle.

‘It doesn’t remind me of everything that happened.’ _Not entirely_ , Kaidan added thoughtfully. ‘We’re supposed to start over, just like that. No one understands. None of you did the moment we stepped off the Kodiak.’

How could someone so by-the-books, so close to Alliance command and following orders turn on his former beliefs? What had changed in him? It couldn’t have been Shepard, and it definitely couldn’t have been what happened with the Reapers. Nobody had _that_ much influence.

‘So I came here looking for a way out. I came when Aria called for mercenaries to help her take back Omega. She promised power and money and a new life. A life without pain and suffering; a life that was given to us because we all get a second chance, right? With the Reapers gone and the universe safe what purpose did I have in Alliance command?’ They had wanted to promote Kaidan like the rest of those aboard the Normandy. Wanted to make him an Admiral and give him his own section of military force to handle.

Kaidan hadn’t wanted that. What he had wanted was something no one could give him.

‘So, Vega. You might see your promotion and getting your own ship a good thing, but I see what my life would be like still working for the Council as a Spectre, and still being part of a military saved by one man’s sacrifice in the end. It’s not a life I would have wanted, and I’ve already lost everything. I don’t have to lose my dignity and sanity on top of that.’

Alenko took the moment of pause to check his weapon, giving a brief glance over to Garrus whom had joined the conversation after recovering from his embarrassing position on the ground. Kaidan had put him there and the Turian should have stayed. ‘I also see you’ve inherited a loyal guard dog.’

A growl was all Garrus could give the former Major, mandibles flaring in retaliation. He tightened his grip on his rifle, watching as Kaidan did the same. A stand-off again?

The Commander knew he had to get between them, a hand raised both to Garrus and the other to Kaidan.

‘I understand what’s going on, Alenko. We all did. None of us got through that kind of trauma, _mano_.’ Trying to truly comprehend what was going on and how to overcome it had been the most difficult challenge. Not everyone came out on top.

‘Leave him, Commander. He isn’t worth the time and effort.’ Garrus huffed below his breath, mandibles flaring again. ‘Anyone who deserts his own men doesn’t deserve it.’

Kaidan bristled at that, rolling his shoulders and grasping his gun in both hands. With a deep breath, releasing it after several seconds, he found his center and calm. The one that helped him gain control of the Blue Suns in the first place.

‘What do you really want Vega?’ Impatience strained the former Major’s voice but it was enough to snap James back to attention, his own weapon at the ready in case a firefight broke out.

‘We’re here to discover what the Blue Suns want with all gang territory on Omega,’ he said matter-of-factly.

Kaidan couldn’t help the smirk that appeared upon notice of the Marine-lock expression Vega had taken up. Once a soldier always a soldier. ‘We aren’t a threat to the rest of the universe if that’s what the Alliance is worried about. I’m not Santiago.’

Ah, the former leader of the Blue Suns. James had gotten a whiff of what Vido was like when Shepard had been dealing with him back on the Citadel and even more during the battle against the Reapers. They had been there as ground forces, their gunships taking to the skies in retaliation of to what the Harvesters could do.

This was not the battlefront, and it was not the time for him to question his loyalties of friends or duty.

‘What do the Blue Suns want with total control?’ James was firm in the way he worded it, trying to hold his ground against a man who obviously had more training being the cold and emotionless soldier the Alliance bred.

‘That’s my business and not something you need to worry about,’ Kaidan gave in reply firmly. ‘That’s all the information the Alliance’s message boy is going to get.’

Feeling as confident as he was angry Kaidan had no issues walking away from Vega, turning his back on both the N7 Operative and the Turian. Yet even as he started off towards his original destination, leaving the bodies of his fallen mercenary cohorts behind, Garrus’ voice was still heard. ‘Shepard would be ashamed to call you friend, Alenko.’

And it only bothered Kaidan a little.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘Human. You think you can order us around? Your bones will look good as my trophies.’

Kaidan really despised dealing with Krogan and Vorcha, more so than he hated dealing with the Batarians in his group. Somehow he doubted the overgrown lizards were going to pose a challenge, but the Vorcha were a different story. They were dangerous, volatile, and definitely unpredictable.

He hated them the most.

‘I’m certain we can work out some sort of deal,’ Kaidan responded calmly, settling the mask the Alliance Marines had taught him to create in place. Best to remain vigilant against them and even calmer in the face of Krogan adversity. There were some who didn’t agree with the unification of all major species but Kaidan knew they could be swayed. ‘After all, your numbers have been decimated, the Vorcha are facing galactic extinction, and I have access to back-channels of the Alliance _and_ the Shadow Broker’s loyalty.’

He stretched out his arms a moment later, rolling his shoulders to get more comfortable in Shepard’s armor. Just the thought of wearing it brought more comfort than sleep did. John would have been somewhat happy to know Kaidan was doing everything he could to reestablish the tentative peace once held between the main mercenary gangs. He didn’t know if John would approve of all methods, some a bit unorthodox, but Kaidan was doing his best to live up to the vision their one and only Commander had put made become real.

And it was a lot easier to know he was doing good than crying himself to sleep every night.

Pulsing just behind his eyes and the steady ache at the base of his skull told him a migraine was working its way up there. He’d have to finish up and return to his apartment soon lest he risk really hurting himself in ‘diplomatic relations’. Having a migraine never made his life easy. In fact it was one of the most difficult things for him to cope with. John used to be the one who would help him deal with them, but his best medicine was not there and would never be again. He’d learned how to deal with them otherwise.

Having Liara on his side gave him the edge he needed though.

‘And why would we trust a lackey of the Shadow Broker?’ The Krogan did not sound pleased with this turn of events, glancing from side to side now, his Vorcha guard doing the same but letting their sweep of gaze move even further. Were they afraid they were being watched?

‘Because my resources and influence stretch a lot further than Santiago’s ever did,’ he replied. A human getting the best of a Krogan was a tough gig and only John could have done it without even touching his gun, but Kaidan was not Shepard. As much as he wished the head-butting love of his life were there to deal with the Blood Pack he wasn’t. Even then John would never agree to what Kaidan had done, becoming a mercenary and turning his back on the Alliance. Sometimes the regret was the only thing he could actually feel.

The Krogan seemed to entertain this thought, wrapping his head around it as much as limited intelligence would let him. Kaidan knew the Blood Pack would want a fight, a war, as diplomacy was not something all Krogan agreed the best way to solve differences. He still reached out to them; still wanted them to know he was willing to do things the easy way (or hard way, for the Krogan).

‘No deal. This is our territory and we aren’t going to give it up to some human. Your kind is almost as bad as the Turians…and the Salarians.’

Oh, that was a bit low. ‘I think you underestimate us, Jorgal. Just like I think Aria underestimates you.’ Kaidan turned slightly to pace, keeping his eyes on the Krogan leader of the Blood Pack. All other chain of command dead, including that Vorcha, Gryll, and Jorgal Thurak was given the opportunity to prove himself. After all, Jorgal had survived being pulled under the ground by a thresher maw and had told the tale several times.

There was some embellishment on what exactly happened which lead to his escape, but Kaidan believed it for the most part.

What amazed him the most was how the only response he got from Jorgal was a huff, allowing the former Marine to walk away from that word-exchange without so much as firing a shot. It didn’t matter anyway — Kaidan had his own allies positioned strategically to take out the Blood Pack chain of command at a motion of the hand. He didn’t need to devolve to bloodshed during diplomatic relations, however.

No, he could solve this by giving Jorgal exactly what he wanted — an honorable confrontation on the field of battle. Like a true Krogan would.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

_’ Looking back... I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right? And I owe a lot of that to you, you know.’_

_The fire around them again. A black, empty oblivion he could never stop falling into._

_‘I've got these bastards in my sights, Kaidan. It's them that should be afraid of me. So... take care, Major.’_

It was the second time that night Kaidan had woken to the echoing remains of John’s voice; the conversation that left the Major wishing he could have forced himself to say those words to Shepard. The words he hadn’t yet worked up the courage to utter.

He never got to tell John he loved him.

Sitting on the firm mattress of the small apartment he rented from Aria, towards the end of the expansive neighborhoods riddled with crime and poverty on Omega, he had come to accept what kind of regrets he was always going to have. He had few of them but even more guilt.

Guilty he had to watch John die, could do nothing for him, and when he couldn’t hold on to John. He couldn’t hold on to him even now.

_’Take him and go!’_

_‘Shepard…’_

_‘Take him Garrus. Keep him safe. I’ll be back before you know it.’_

And then just like that it was ripped away.

Kaidan ran one hand through the hair at the back of his head, noting how long it was getting. Regulations for Alliance made him keep it short, but he wasn’t part of them anymore. He had deserted, abandoned them when they could have used him but what use would he have _really_ been? There was no merit, no honor in a man mentally crippled.

Clutching his fist to his chest he closed his eyes, breathing in deep to center himself. It wouldn’t help to remember. But John was still there, still close to him, giving him the love and support he craved but could not feel. His dreams always brought the worst part of his past out again.

The migraine was gone but his heart was aching more now. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop his eyes from burning, throat tightening; it was going to be difficult to get back to sleep again.

Forcing himself to lay down Kaidan pulled the thin sheets up closer to his chest. As he continued to even out his breathing, to calm himself down, he listened to the clinking of John’s dog-tags around his neck. A lullaby that became the closest thing to John’s voice.


	3. Eternally Missed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan Alenko finally makes his move against the Blood Pack behind Aria's back. What he doesn't expect is the sudden turmoil the battle brings — and the call for help from a very familiar turian.

Omega had become a battlefield. Aria had known this day would come — yet again — and she had been sure her handle on the mercenary groups was foolproof. But she had been wrong. Her time and effort now consisted of finding those who were willing to fight on her side. Eclipse, Blood Pack, even some Blue Suns had answered the call but there was too much opposition in the way the new Blue Suns leader worked.

It came as no surprise an ex-Alliance Marine would fare better in the theater of war than the others. Some of the Blue Suns were humans who had been stranded here and there, forced to live out their lives in survival mode over peaceful colonization. They had been the easiest to recruit, leading Kaidan to the belief they were going to fight for his side when they would learn oppression was not his end game. No like Santiago had believed, or how the Blood Pack did nothing but murder.

Running a force like the Blue Suns was similar to the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company, though with less biotic power. He was the only one who possessed some measure of immense strength in the mental field, though having more gunships than he could think useful and a small army at his disposable was proving more and more invaluable every day.

That didn’t mean Aria was going to be happy about trusting him.

A lot had changed in the last two months. After the war ended, and Shepard had been announced killed in action, Kaidan had tried to move on like everyone else. It wasn’t like the first time back when the Normandy exploded and he had simply gone out for drinks with a few ‘friends’ to make him feel better, no. This was worse.

He had seen the destruction laid down by Harbinger, and the way he had managed to survive along with Vega. He’d also been taken out of the game right there before the final confrontation on the Citadel. John had told the Normandy to evacuate those who had survived but were injured, and Kaidan had been hauled off by Garrus and Cortez not a moment too soon. But John had stayed behind, told Garrus to keep Kaidan safe and then disappeared from that moment forward. He’d promised they would see him again, but he had failed to act on it.

Kaidan had been alone, empty, and was still suffering from the loss. He’d recovered the first time; everyone only ever got a second chance at the things that mattered most — like love.

Two months to build up the willpower and courage not to pull the trigger on his gun and end it. Migraines had gotten worse, his position in the military was threatening promotion, and he had turned it all down to live a free life. John would have wanted him to do more good than putting the Council back on their seats and rebuilding political corruption. No, John had hoped for an allied galaxy and he wasn’t going to get it. So Kaidan had to take it upon himself to do what he thought Shepard would do.

Stealing a dead man’s armor — especially that of the man you loved — was probably not part of that vision.

But it helped Kaidan sleep at night and survive every fight during the day knowing he had that remaining part of John with him.

Omega had been his first choice, arriving the same as any other refugee looking for asylum and instead he’d found corruption so dark and desolate it had made him sick. Aria made him sick. She was pompous, destructive, a poison; he knew he had to stop her somehow.

As stories go she had successfully retaken Omega from Cerberus after they had taken over before the war, a battle Kaidan had taken part in to buy his passage safely to Omega and the mercenary trust quota, and reclaimed her rightful place as queen bitch of the ass-end of the universe. Her intimidating tactics and asari woman whims were not going to work on Kaidan — he’d seen them all before in other powerful women.

Her biotics were something to be feared, all asari powers were, but he was confident in his ability to stop her.

That’s where his gaining control of the Blue Suns had come in. Left leaderless and alone the Blue Suns had tried to find some semblance of normality, going back to their lives and finding their secure infrastructure but no one wanted to step up and do what Vido Santiago had done. Zaeed hadn’t come back, hadn’t given a care at that point most likely, which left Kaidan to pick up the pieces of more than a broken heart.

He’d found a purpose.

Learning patience was the hardest part. Once he’d mastered that through calming his nerves and driving home the courage John had given him over the years he had no issues manipulating his way to the top of the food chain. That was one mercenary corps he was glad to have on his side. He’d provided them back-assets from Alliance channels as much as he could before dropping off the face of the universe, and then on to bigger and brighter things.

Liara T’Soni had been an invaluable contact in getting what he wanted. She must have understood to some degree what he felt and how the war had affected him, and was willing to give him the assistance he needed after hearing his story. No murdering of innocent civilians, no stealing from the already poor and defenseless, no. He was going to be better than the Blue Suns had been, hiring themselves out as security and doing thorough background checks via Shadow Broker information channels. And Liara had been promised a cut.

Of course if she found out Kaidan had stolen all that was left of Shepard there would have been some serious confrontation going on. He refused to tell her even to that day.

Once he’d secured his place as leader of the Blue Suns he’d started to make his move against the Blood Pack and Eclipse. He found the salarians and asari within Eclipse to be just as untrustworthy as Cerberus had been, and he detested the krogan and vorcha of the Blood Pack even more. Taking control over those groups would have to be a hard-and-fast kind of battle, one that needed to limit casualties and bring about some kind of peace on a floating space station in the middle of nowhere space.

Aria had decided to be a thorn in his side the moment she got a big whiff of what he was planning.

‘Sir. The Blood Pack is moving in on our position. Jorgal has sent scouts to determine our position. Orders?’

Kaidan was pulled from his nostalgic reverie when addressed, glancing up to the batarian who relayed that particular bit of information. ‘Jorgal is already making a move? That’s a bit reckless.’

The batarian gave a small chuckle. ‘I never took krogan to be less than that, sir.’

With a small roll of his eyes Kaidan straightened up away from the table and headed towards the weapons bench against the far wall of their humble little base of operations. Omega was a big place, had plenty of crawl spaces to hide in, and even more space to accommodate a variety of warehouses and gunships to store in them. Kaidan had ensured all forms of battle were covered. A former Major in the Systems Alliance was a good thing to have, especially when they had worked closely with the man who saved the galaxy from the Reapers.

‘Then we need a new plan, one to speed things along. Keep us on track.’ It was the only order he could even think to give but it was the best he had under such pressuring circumstances.

‘Yes, sir!’ The batarian gave somewhat of an acknowledging wave, turning away and heading back out to where the main security force was gathered. Gunship pilots were readying their vessels while the rest of the Blue Suns awaited orders. If it was a battle Jorgal wanted, it was a war Kaidan was going to give him.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

_’John, please…’_

_John loosed a breath against Kaidan’s neck in response, fingertips working their way over the ridged planes of his lover’s chest up to his shoulders and into his hair, pressing his hips down a moment later. The friction was overwhelming, Kaidan arching his back, closer to the Commander._

_‘What do you want Kaidan?’ His words were gruff, whispered into the Major’s ear._

_A shaky breath was taken, followed by a whine resounding from Kaidan’s throat. ‘John…’_

_‘Just tell me.’_

_A shift of the hips and Kaidan’s head tilted back, pressing hard into the pillow beneath it. ‘Oh God.’_

_When the friction had built up enough John couldn’t take it, slipping a hand between their bodies to help guide himself. Kaidan could only squeeze his thighs and knees against the Commander’s hips, growling with the heat and tightness. ‘Fuck.’_

_Through a mix of pain and pleasure and desperate, carnal desire, hips moved hard, heavy breathing under the cool blue glow of the mass effect fields built into a crescendo._

Waking drenched in sweat beneath armor was not a pleasant experience. It chaffed, grew too hot, gave him an uncomfortable sort of humidity beneath layers of Kevlar-suiting and the hard plates of the armor itself. But it was what he had dreamt about that made it hard to focus now. He’d only fallen asleep for a moment, his head starting to throb with the onset of a migraine. 

They were waiting for the Blood Pack to make their next move. Already the Blue Suns had their foothold in the Kenzo District, previously controlled absolutely by the Blood Pack for their gunrunning operations. Now it was about to be his. Nothing could stand in the way of the Blue Suns, not if he really gave it his best, and Kaidan would rest easy when Omega was controlled majorly by the mercenaries he’d come to see as useful.

He still preferred not to call himself one, but it was the best he had to work with.

Shaking off the dream he’d just woken from, Kaidan moved for the entrance to the hovel they were hiding out in. Strike teams should have been in place in response to whatever Jorgal had in mind, but thus far nothing.

‘Sinmah, report.’ His voice sounded tinny in the helmet he was wearing. John’s had been just a tiny bit too big for him and because of that he’d had to resort to using one of his own personal old ones to compensate. But he still felt the comfort of the Commander’s armor around him.

Why had the salarian informant failed to report? ‘Sinmah.’

No response was a bad thing.

‘Shit.’ A breathless word from the ex-Marine. ‘I need all battle squads to my position. Sinmah didn’t make it.’

Had they been found out? Kaidan honestly didn’t care, finding it easy to take on krogan and vorcha than it was to face his memories again. He’d never be able to escape them, no matter how far to the end of the universe he ran, and making a stand now for something his lover would have believed in (even if the methods were a bit unorthodox) was all he could do to calm his twisted nerves. Having a headache on the field of battle would not benefit the Blue Suns now and had never given Kaidan an easy time before.

It was now or never.

From behind cover Kaidan moved, helmet locking back into place by shifting plates and the sudden generation of mass effect field which served for a visor. Two batarians in similar colored armor appeared by his side, raising their own weapons. Kaidan had gone so far as to bring in two snipers of turian origin, hoping they were just as good, if not better than the one Shepard used to run around with.

Not that Kaidan had anything against Garrus, quite the contrary. It was more of how Garrus had dragged him away from Shepard when the final push to the Citadel traverse-beam was their target. Primed and ready but Kaidan had not wanted to do so.

Instead he could only watch as his lover rushed off to save the galaxy like he always did. First Saren and Sovereign, then it was the Collectors, and now the entirety of the Reaper fleet. When would Shepard realize he was selfishly needed more by Kaidan than all of humanity?

Even then amongst gunfire and dying cries from the enemy Kaidan could feel his throat tightening, his eyes threatening to burn with the effort of holding back his emotions. He needed to get this done, needed to make sure his mercenaries got out alive. The Blue Suns were counting on him and it was the final push to the grand victory they all had been loyally following Kaidan for.

He could not let them down.

‘Keep moving!’ His voice bellowed out the order. They needed to have this moment in time, this reinvigoration of power and prestige, and he was ready to take the fall if it meant they had the chance to do what they did before.

But the Blood Pack was not making it easy on them. They were fighting back; the fiercest enemy he had seen since the Reapers and the most action he was going to get in a long while.

‘You are nothing compared to the might of the Blood Pack, human!’ Jorgal called from his hiding place down the alley.

‘You say that now,’ Kaidan replied. ‘But I’m about to prove you wrong!’

Over Kaidan’s head one of the batarians threw a frag grenade, three more following from separate locations towards the remaining resistance of the Blood Pack. Explosions rocked their hearing, ringing in the ears a sign the bombs managed to go off. And then there came the cheer of Blue Suns across the way.

They’d won this round. Kaidan knew there would be more of the Blood Pack coming in from the outer reaches of the galaxy. They had time and it was only a matter of how much.

‘Where is Jorgal?’ Kaidan called in over his omni-tool as soon as he’d risen to see what the damages were. No civilians caught in the crossfire; nothing more than a few scorched pieces of ground-metal plating the only physical damage to Omega. Aria would be pissed but Kaidan had not done anything wrong.

‘Alenko! I told you to leave your differences with the Blood Pack at the docking bay!’ Speak of the devil and she shall appear.

‘Aria.’ It was the only thing Kaidan could think to say.

‘Just what the hell do you think you’re doing starting a war with the Blood Pack in my station?’ Her voice sounded cold, fringing on the border of how much she wanted to throttle him and he could see it.

‘In my defense Jorgal started it. I tried to do things diplomatically but he didn’t want to see what I had to offer. I have a right to defend my territory against a krogan, don’t I?’

She was bristling at the edges now, lip twitching at the corner in response. Fighting a sarcastic smile, no doubt. ‘That krogan did nothing to cross me. Don’t think I won’t shoot you like the last asshole who decided to fuck with me.’ Venom dripped in her voice and Kaidan could hear it, only dignifying her with a sigh in response.

By the time he’d actually wanted to say something a few seconds later she had turned to walk her asari-ass back to wherever she sat. Whatever rules she wanted for Omega (even if it was just one), they were going to fail her sooner or later. People were loyal and that was easy to buy, but trust was something earned and Kaidan had proven himself to his men this day.

It was good enough for him.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Sometimes the aftermath was harder than the push. Sometimes Kaidan knew the battle was going to take more of a toll on him than he was willing to believe. John had lost his life because of honor and a foolish need to protect the human race. Those people had wanted to condemn him for working for Cerberus. Kaidan had been upset at first, learning Shepard was working with the enemy, but he’d calmed down considerably later to realize this mistake and to make up for it. But he felt ashamed he’d never actually sent Shepard the message. What was he supposed to do? He’d never been good with talking about his feelings, especially not when it came to John.

He’d had to read the damn thing again and again. By then it was too late for him to prove to John he was desperately sorry. Lucky for him to have been there on Mars with Shepard and Liara. The information on the Crucible had been invaluable but he’d almost died without telling Shepard how he felt. It had been hard to open up to the Commander during that time and even harder to accept those feelings absolutely when the time called for it.

Now he had nothing, not even the faint wisp of his lover’s scent — the stark musk of battle and the sweat of a true man. No, he had to resort to those who were willing to sell themselves out to every Tom, Harry, and turian Omega had to offer.

‘Yeah, just like that,’ Kaidan whispered breathlessly into the dark of the room. Afterlife was good for a few things, especially the back rooms rentable by the night. And this was one night he needed and had for a long time.

He reached down now, sliding his hands through the short hair of the consort he’d gotten for the night. Human male, always Kaidan’s choice, and as clean as they got. On his knees, that’s where this one was, and though Kaidan didn’t know his name it was well worth the feeling of a mouth on his cock and fingertips digging into his hips, pushing him back against the cool metal wall.

‘Oh, fuck. That’s good.’ The best medicine for a broken heart was temporarily having someone to spend the night with.

When the consort took more of Kaidan into that mouth there was no holding back, his body racked with spasms that only served to burn in his belly hotter and thicker than before. A grunt was the only satisfied sound Kaidan made, head tilting back to rest against the wall while his muscles started to slacken after tense release.

It would never be as good as John, and he would never stop feeling guilty about the things he did, but this was one of those things he needed as a human and an animal. This time he’d picked human instead of a turian or batarian, at least.

Less than half an hour later the consort was gone, Kaidan sitting at the edge of his temporary bed. Always moving around, always uncomfortable, but it kept him alive. He knew someone on Omega was gunning to put a bullet in his back and he would have none of it, not until his mission was done at least.

Maybe it was the regret of letting Shepard go, or maybe it was every emotion bottled up for the last couple months inside of Kaidan. Whatever was happening it brought a foreboding chill. Why had Vega come to the station, and why had he brought Garrus of all people with him? What did the Alliance really send him out there for? What made them think Kaidan would ever side with them again? Or maybe the new Commander was playing a different angle. Kaidan had been offered a position as an Admiral but not of the board, and he highly doubted they were going to welcome him back with open arms after he abandoned his post and vanished.

Kaidan was building his own life away from everything that reminded him of Shepard. His last night spent on the Normandy under cold sheets deprived of the body heat and smell of John Shepard. It felt like dying and Kaidan knew he’d lost a part of who he was.

There on Omega in a little room out of sight and out of mind Kaidan sat with the only picture he had of John. He’d taken it when offered by his lover, no doubt, and though it wasn’t as personal as he would have liked in the past it was the most precious thing he had. This had been the last gift from John before being forced away from the battlefield Earth had become. The rest of his mementos of a better time were stolen. Though they provided deep amounts of comfort he would never forget John’s face now.

‘You said you would be waiting for me when the war was over,’ he whispered into the dark. ‘We were supposed to build a life together, be happy together. You promised me, John. You promised a better life without war, without suffering, and you didn’t keep it. You didn’t…’

Tears flowed hot against his cheeks, following the slight curve of his cheekbones down even as he felt the ache in his heart tear through him. It had been some time since he really let himself go; before he had to deal with war and bloodshed all over again. There would be no comfort, no power over whatever ailed him. He had to deal with this on his own, without the one man who made life worth living. This time he would have to deal with the headaches, and the lonely nights where he’d wake from nightmares. Blood and fire; an emptiness created by the horrors of a cycle said to have repeated for tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of years.

And that _sound_. The Reapers bone-chilling roar. The last sound Kaidan heard as the Normandy evacuated himself and Garrus. Everything had fallen apart. John had uttered those three words to Kaidan, had spoken the strongest promise and forged the greatest bond. But he had been too late. John told Garrus to take him away, to save him, and that was how Kaidan had ended up fighting against his own teammates.

‘I wish…’ His voice caught in his throat. ‘I wish you were still here. We could have done this together.’ Kaidan couldn’t help the smile appearing at the edge of his mouth as he kept his focus down, blurred as the picture was through his tears. ‘You always were better than me at saving the galaxy, even the back-water parts others think aren’t worth it.’

‘You’re right. He was.’

His omni-tool pinging to life and the sound of Garrus’ voice relaying over it elicited a start from Kaidan, raising his arm to glare at the image of the turian on the small screen. ‘Sorry to bother you, Kaidan.’

A growl came before any angry words could even be thought up. ‘What gives you the right to—‘

‘I don’t have much time. None of us do.’ Garrus sounded hurried, almost like he was fighting for the right words in such a short amount of time. ‘I’m hacking through a secure link via Eclipse. They’ve gotten better at security since I last fought them and they’ve become even more dangerous.’

Eclipse? ‘What about them?’ Kaidan asked.

‘Eclipse has most of the Normandy crew hostage. Joker managed to hide and EDI provided me with the codes to break through their secure network to contact the next closest operative. Apparently she recognized you as being in the immediate vicinity.’ The turian fell silent then.

The entire Normandy crew? Garrus must have also been caught, rare for a turian, and now he was finding the only means of survival he could to get out of there alive. But why entrust someone he had just stated was worthless with that kind of responsibility? Kaidan had the resources and the manpower, definitely, but did he have the urge to save the people who reminded him the most of the man he lost?

A soft ache told him he needed to step up and do this. Kaidan knew it was his duty to help those who had been friends once upon a time. ‘Alright. Send me the coordinates and I will rally a rescue team.’

‘Thank you, Kaidan. The Normandy needs you.’ There was a genuine note of sincerity in Garrus’ voice but Kaidan brushed it off, expression growing cold and hardened the way he was taught in the Marines.

‘I’m not doing this for you, Garrus. I’m doing this because it’s what Shepard would have done for you.’ He said it even knowing he was no Commander John Shepard — and he never would be.


	4. Guiding Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After responding to the call for help from Garrus Vakarian, Kaidan Alenko brings along several of his Blue Suns mercenaries to rescue the captured crew of the Normandy. An accident occurs, leaving Kaidan fighting for his life against an unknown — and microscopic — enemy. The present begins to blur with the past, and hallucinations are becoming reality.

‘Kaidan!’

Garrus’ voice was an echo against metal and the feeling of Alenko’s head aching; something akin to the splitting of his brain. Even inside of his helmet he felt it, a resounding pain unlike anything he’d ever endured in his life. Even throughout all the complications of his L2 implant this had to be the worst.

And it wasn’t natural.

Whatever Cerberus was using it was dangerous. The delivery system had been a surprise. It was an ambush — a well-planned ambush.

Air filtration was compromised, vision was blurred, and everything he could do to stay focused had been sapped out of him.

‘Major Alenko!’

_Vega?_

Voices were starting to pitch back and forth, fuzziness creeping up like the white noise through the communication lines back on Omega. An eerie message he couldn’t decipher even now.

As he dropped to his knees a detonation several feet away caught him in a shockwave, blasting him back into a shield pylon without warning. The air was knocked out of his lungs and the pain in his skull intensified, a groan the only discernible way Vega and Garrus had at knowing Kaidan was still conscious.

But he didn’t have long. Already it was difficult to breathe and the sudden shift in battle altered his ability to effectively continue. The crew of the Normandy would die because he couldn’t help them.

Bullets flew around him, several ricocheting off his armor to ping into nearby crates. A hiss escaped one, bathing Alenko in a thick cloud of red. A turning of his stomach alerted him that something was wrong, that his system was compromised. A moment later a shock like fire erupted in his brain, tearing a scream from his throat and reverberating down the hallway.

‘Kaidan! Where are you?!’

He couldn’t respond to James, couldn’t get the words out through the screaming burn his throat, ripping the air out of him again as the tear in John’s armor allowed red smoke to drift in. Was he dying? Was this what it felt like when the Devil came to drag you to Hell?

 _I’m so sorry John. It was my fault. All my fault._ A mantra in his head, repeated as long as he could keep sane.

Another shock of vivid red light flashed behind his eyes, grasping every nerve in his body before slamming into the fibers of his being.

The world suddenly went very dark.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘…not breathing…’

Distant voices, strained voices; voices filled with anguish and a desperation Kaidan did not remember. A woman’s voice, a man’s, something remotely metallic with a resounding echo. EDI? Kaidan felt his heart pounding in his chest, wetness just below his nose from within his nostrils. Copper in his mouth.

Oh God. Was he dead? He couldn’t be; he had too much he needed to finish in John’s honor. Had he forsaken that revenge for something personal? He’d only ever been selfless.

Was he selfish for abandoning those who he once called friend?

The screaming in his head wouldn’t stop. It wouldn’t stop. _Make it stop…_

The words never left his lips.

Fresh air around him, pain inside of him; a conflicting desire to curl into himself and let it all go. But the pain of his broken heart would not let him. The emptiness in the place Kaidan used to hold John close to him even when he couldn’t touch him. Always busy, always angry about something. He’d hated John for working with Cerberus, for turning his back on the very ideals the Alliance had given the Commander. And now Kaidan would suffer and die alone.

Just like John did.

‘Garrus, help me.’

A voice from somewhere beyond the grave. A voice Kaidan only heard in his dreams, fading now as his brain started to shut down. Overload from something, from the red; red sand? No, something else. What had killed him? Was it the Devil coming to collect his dues?

‘Garrus, now.’

That voice again.

‘Be careful. We don’t know what the damage is, Commander.’

Oh. It was Vega. Kaidan’s mind was playing tricks on him. Even with his visor off and the clear air flowing in it wasn’t enough. His head was pounding, filled with conflicting thoughts of absolute end and trying to fight his way back.

Shapes moved behind his eyelids, bright lights stinging every inch of his sensitive brain.

Lips on his, pushing air into his lungs. He could feel his chest expanding, his heart beating even faster. Who was trying to save him?

And then the world stopped as if time itself had ceased to carry on. No heartbeat, no pulse; nothing was going to be worth dying for ever again. All he needed was the comfort of John’s arms around him, of his voice speaking soothing words, lulling him off to a sleep he knew would reunite them again in another time and place. Another chance at being in love, at having the very thing that made life worth living. Why should he have to suffer anymore?

‘Please Kaidan. Stay with me.’ That voice was back again but it was sad, angry; a multitude of emotions Kaidan wanted to wash away with his breath and touch. ‘I never should have left you. I will _never_ leave you again.’

_John?_

‘Stay with me Kaidan!’

It was closer, more real. His heart pounded in his chest, picked up pace again, thundering against his ribcage and flooding his body with a tingling sensation he had not felt in some time. The rush of love and pleasure, of need and a desire to be everything to someone again. A feeling wrapping him in such comfort he knew it was safe to move on.

Safe — something he hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

‘I love you Kaidan. I will always love you.’

_Red beams sliced through the ground, incinerated rushing soldiers left and right, tearing through bodies and lives faster than an ill plague._

_John’s arms around him, carrying him to safety, trading him off to Garrus._

_‘Get him out of here.’_

_Oh God, no. Not again. No, this couldn’t happen. This couldn’t be his Hell. He couldn’t bear to relive the last time he saw John for all of eternity._

_Please, let me go. Let me go._

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Kaidan didn’t know when he’d lost consciousness; the moment when he’d almost died. Rocking back and forth brought him back, the sound of heavy breathing and the splash of something wet on his face and neck. Someone was crying — holding him close and crying. Why were they crying over him? It was strong; a powerful kind of mourning.

The first movement from Kaidan in hours was from a cough, violent and causing his body to shake, the figure with arms around him tightening their grip like their life depended on it.

Like his life did.

‘I’m here Kaidan.’

Why couldn’t the memories leave him alone? Why did they haunt him? Was this a dream? Heaven?

…Hell?

‘Shepard?’ His voice croaked out now, throat dry and tight like he hadn’t taken a breath in forever. The arms tightened again.

‘Yes, Kaidan. It’s me.’

His voice was powerful, invigorating. But Kaidan knew it wasn’t real. It wasn’t right. The pain was gone, the aching in his head diminished to nothing but a dull humming in his ears. Yet despite his disbelief he turned into the embrace, breathing out against salty skin and the light dusting of stubble.

Tender, that’s what it was. The Devil was tender with him. He could accept it now, could open his heart to it. The rush of pleasure it gave him was welcomed with the calming of his heart, the acceptance of his fate, and how the rest of the universe could go on flickering without him.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘I believe he will be alright, given enough time to recover.’ Doctor Chakwas’ voice came out soft and sincere but was still loud enough to make his head hurt. Enough to make him wake up, the sound painful in the deepest reaches of his brain.

‘…Doc…tor…’ His breathing was labored, hard to get out. But Chakwas had heard him well enough, shutting off her communications line to Commander Vega.

‘Major Alenko. Good to have you back with the living,’ was her response to him waking, a genuine note of sincerity in her voice.

She’d always been there for him, assisting with headaches and the more intense migraines. She’d even patched up his injuries indiscriminately when he had refused the help after…

After the last time he’d seen John.

God, he could still remember his voice. A lucid dream; nothing more.

‘Doctor Chakwas?’ Everything ached. From his muscles to his bones he knew this was one of those times where the most he had to worry about was a temporarily crooked spine and a lot of tender care from the good doctor.

‘Yes, Major Alenko. It is me. And you need to rest.’ She had gone back to looking at a chart on her data pad. Kaidan didn’t even bother trying to get up from the medical bed, relaxing back instead and resting his hands at his sides.

‘What happened?’ A valid question, maybe.

‘Commander Vega told me everything he knew,’ she said, looking up at him again. ‘It wasn’t much to go off of but I’ve isolated the damage. Suffice it to say you won’t be able to use your biotics for a while.’

Shock overcame Kaidan, his lips parting as if to speak but Doctor Chakwas held up a hand to prevent him from cutting her off entirely. ‘It is not your implant. That is perfectly fine. All tests came back positive for function. Rather, it was some kind of toxin introduced into your bloodstream through an aerosol of some kind.’

She returned to his bedside, holding out her data pad for him to see. ‘That is what your tox-screen tells us.’

Kaidan gave her a quick glance before looking at the numbers, scrolling down a moment later with one easy press of his thumb. ‘What am I looking at?’

‘A drug, Major Alenko.’ She took it back a moment later. ‘One developed by Cerberus scientists in 2169.’

‘2169? That was after…’ He was going to say ‘shortly after BAaT but kept it to himself, clearing his throat instead and resting his head back against the pillow under it. The medical tables were never comfortable. Most injuries took a short time for the medi-gel to handle but he had a feeling this was worse. A lot worse. ‘What does it do?’

‘From what I can tell on scans of your brain it diminishes biotic capabilities for a short time. There are few records stored by the Alliance regarding the drug, called Omega-Enkaphalin, but so far the results are…’ Her words trailed off for just a moment. ‘Not promising.’

Oh, that did _not_ sound good.

‘And what does that mean?’ He had to ask.

‘Your biotic power may be permanently weakened for the rest of your life. You might have severe brain damage that will cause shut down of vital organs. It may cause death. There is no research regarding human test subjects and even less about the side-effects of the toxin.’ She was looking at him now, a seriousness in her gaze he had not seen in a long, long time. ‘We won’t know until we can observe. If anything happens, that is.’

Kaidan lay back completely now, staring at the gray on silver ceiling of the medical bay. Damaged for life? How could he have been so reckless? What made him think it was a good idea to rush headlong into something as dangerous as…as…whatever that drug was? And why was a Cerberus developmental toxin in an Eclipse base? What was he missing?

‘There will be some memory lapse from time to time. That I am certain of.’ Doctor Chakwas had returned to her normal computer station, appearing to read over diagnostics as she spoke. He could still see her face and the expression was not as comforting as he thought it should have been. ‘Commander Vega said you may also have sustained a concussion but you were unconscious when his team brought you aboard. My suggestion was to let you rest and give you adrenaline should your heart stop again after we got it beating. You did die for several minutes. Oxygen flow is vital for cognition, Major Alenko.’

Yeah, like he hadn’t heard that one before.

And what of his dream? Did people who were on the verge of death even get to feel something that intensely?

‘Is the crew alright?’ He whispered his query while keeping his eyes shut, too afraid to look at her again and what it might mean. The musty scent of warrior still permeated his senses, the touch of warmth and the grasp of desperation like a cloak of comfort. Who had done that? Vega? No, he was far too interested in the female species to really care about the comfort thing. Cortez? Did he even work on the Normandy anymore?

‘They are perfectly fine. All in top shape and deploying for a mission shortly.’ She did _not_ sound happy about that.

It wasn’t the answer Kaidan was looking for at the moment. ‘…and my team?’

The doctor did not answer, turning away from him entirely after standing up to focus on something else. Something she might have thought was more interesting than answering to Kaidan about a few random mercenaries. Those had been good men and leaving them behind was a slight against Kaidan’s honor — and his mission to finish what Shepard had started in uniting the galaxy.

If that were even possible now.

‘No need to worry about them, Kaidan. Commander Vega assured me a majority escaped with little injury.’

 _Bullshit_ , he thought to himself. It was not something he would utter aloud, not right then. Later he’d express himself but for the moment trying to sleep was the only thing he could do to calm himself down; prevent an episode of some kind. Whatever the drug was going to do to him it was going to be bad, if anything dangerous at all, and he wasn’t about to start a verbal assault on the doctor for relaying a message.

Vega could be a hard ass but was he a liar?

‘I have suggested no visitors, at least not for a couple of days, and that you are to remain in bed. Do you promise to stay here this time?’ She was giving him that stern, sincere look. She wanted to make sure he was okay and was just doing her job, something he could not begrudge her for.

‘…yeah. Won’t wonder off again.’ It might have been a lie, it might have been truth; either way he was going to sleep as much as he could. Omega didn’t give him the safety the Normandy did, even if his eyes kept roaming up to the ceiling when she wasn’t looking.

And she left him alone in no time at all.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘I’m sorry Kaidan.’ John’s voice was back again. ‘I’m sorry for abandoning you when I did. I had to save the galaxy from the Reapers. Everyone was counting on me.’ What was he talking about? This was a new dream; one Kaidan didn’t remember ever having. ‘I know you probably think it wasn’t my responsibility to carry the human race on my shoulders but they didn’t know who to follow. The Alliance made me out to be some kind of hero.’ He paused again, bringing out a yearning in Kaidan for the man’s voice not to leave him again; to keep going.

‘I should have realized how much you really needed me, how much you must have loved me, and I’m sorry for that.’

Kaidan could feel his eyes burning. His dreams were becoming more and more vivid as frequently as he had them. Would he be trapped in a place where he couldn’t see Shepard with his own two eyes?

‘I love you, Kaidan. I’m hoping you never forget it.’

But even as Kaidan’s body and mind screamed for him to say it back, to tell John how much he did love him and how much he wanted to stay with him he couldn’t get the response out in time.

Just couldn’t.

_A flash of light illuminated the laboratory Kaidan was supposed to be clearing, peering through the targeting system on his visor, relaying information and positioning to his weapon. Some of the crew had been rescued from holding cells while the others were still unaccounted for. Kaidan would let Vega and Garrus handle that one. What Kaidan wanted was to find information relating to Eclipse activities to use it against them._

_What he found was something that both horrified and uplifted him._

_There was a figure in a tank, red liquid surrounding them even as they lay on their back. A breathing mask and tube fed oxygen to them, it had to, and despite cutting some of the power within the facility this tank was still working. Back-up generator maybe?_

_Kaidan tried to peer into the glass, having to raise his visor to get a closer look after cupping his hand against its surface. It was difficult to make out but the bubbles were clearing a bit more, sharpening the tiniest details and revealing just what Eclipse was hiding._

_No, not what — who._

_‘Shepard?’_

With a start Kaidan awoke, eyes widening and trying to catch his breath. His throat still burned from the toxin he’d been infected with. He must have breathed it in when he’d opened his visor to get a better look at the figure in the tank.

Who had it been? What did Vega do with him? Kaidan knew it had been human judging by the overall shape and statistical readings off the console, but he hadn’t been sure who exactly it was.

Feeling his heart starting to calm down now he pushed the sheets and blanket off, working at sitting up. Whatever time it was everyone was absent. The mess hall and kitchen were vacant through the glass of the medical bay windows, and Kaidan let his gaze linger on the stove and refrigeration system. He didn’t think he’d been so hungry in his life.

That’s where he wanted to go.

With Doctor Chakwas gone he knew he had to take it upon himself to get what he wanted. Without the cook awake and Kaidan feeling downright tired it was going to be a challenge.

A challenge he’d be willing to accept as long as it took his mind off what went wrong on the rescue mission. And who was in the tank.

Twenty minutes later and Major Alenko had managed to burn some eggs and create soggy pancakes. Apparently his cooking wasn’t as up to speed as he thought it was. Either that or he was just too damn tired to do a good job. He was only cooking for himself, thus didn’t have to worry about anyone else.

Used utensils cleaned, stored away in a drying rack above the refrigerator unit, plate of food in one hand and a glass of filtrated water in the other and he was ready to start eating at a moment’s notice. Yet as Kaidan turned he almost ran into someone, startled back a step and chuckling softly to himself. ‘You almost made me lose my food. That would have been a sha—‘

The pinging crash of metal on ship flooring resonated through the mess hall, food and drink forgotten upon the realization of who he had run into. Kaidan took a step back again, this time from disbelief and fear.

Flashes of memory, of the Eclipse base — a figure in the tank, suspended in cryo-gel, piercing blue eyes opened to stare at Kaidan, hand against the glass before tanks of red exploded around him. Security system going off, the blare of alarms and yet the only sirens going off where those in Kaidan’s head, his instincts screaming for him to run. None of it was real; it couldn’t be. He had to leave, had to escape. Was this all part of Eclipse’s master plan? How did they —

‘Kaidan? Are you alright?’

The Major felt lightheaded, fingertips pressing against his forehead as he tried to remain standing and conscious. It wasn’t possible. It didn’t make any sense. But he had to face it, had to see what happened.

It took every ounce of inner willpower and courage he had to open his eyes again, letting his hands ball into fists at his sides, trying to remain strong. There was no strength against someone who was supposed to be dead.

‘John?’


	5. We Build Then We Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan's mind starts to fracture, blurring the line between what's real and what's not. As he struggles to come to terms with Shepard being alive and well, the crew of the Normandy experiences a very different situation. Is Kaidan really experiencing life with Shepard back, or has Kaidan's exposure to the drug Omega-Enkaphalin, created by Cerberus, turned into a fight for survival?

‘John?’ Kaidan whispered in disbelief, taking another step back, trying to distance himself from the ghost of a past he didn’t want to pretend existed. He’d made many mistakes, some he regretted and others he didn’t, but it was nevertheless a past he didn’t want associated with him.

A past he relived every night when he tried to sleep.

‘No,’ he said quietly. ‘You’re dead.’

Kaidan’s instincts screamed at him over and over again. Denial of reality, a broken heart, terrible memories; all of it came back in mere seconds. Just long enough for Shepard to move towards the biotic, reaching out as if to touch him but missing by inches. The ex-Marine continued to back off until he could go no further, metal of the Normandy’s hull at his back. It provided support and allowed him to breathe, pressing back as far as he could but it still wasn’t enough.

‘Kaidan —‘

‘Stop,’ he breathed out between clenched teeth. ‘Just…stop. Please.’

Shepard did as Kaidan asked, hands balled into fists, trying to resist the urge to get to the Major.

‘I know it’s confusing. I know. Believe me,’ John said. ‘But I am me. I am.’

‘You’re dead!’ Kaidan’s voice had risen in volume; a response to the impossibility of his lover being both alive and apparently better off than he had been before the Reaper attacks on Earth. What was he supposed to do? How was he to respond when all he’d done since Shepard died was steal the Commander’s armor and dog tags, and become a mercenary leader?

It went against everything Shepard had believed in. Kaidan knew this — he understood what he had gotten himself into — but he wasn’t doing it so much for himself as for someone else.

The Alliance had settled into rebuilding, protecting themselves an ensuring their portion of the universe remained intact, for all it was worth. Kaidan had found no merit in the way they were conducting their missions, the parameters of each, and he had felt the sacrifice Shepard made was all in vain.

The universe would never change — not unless someone took it upon themselves to finish what Earth’s greatest hero had started.

But Kaidan had known it couldn’t rest solely on his shoulders. He’d turned to Liara after assisting Aria in chasing Cerberus out of Omega, and the Shadow Broker was a better ‘boss’ than the self-proclaimed Omega leader would ever be. Aria took all the credit for the work and efforts of others; Liara, for lack of a better explanation, had given her agents everything.

Assets were key in a universe still torn apart by the Reaper attacks and Kaidan had seen this.

Turning what little criminal mercenary groups remained into something bigger, their own military perhaps, was closer to John’s vision. But there was a catch: Kaidan wasn’t just doing it for himself.

Colonies that survived the Reaper attacks, were rebuilt where destroyed, had looked to the unification of the species in the galaxy for help and few came to deliver. Working for politicians was, to some degree, better than working with criminals. Crime lords could tear a group apart through a variety of underhanded methods but politicians? They were easier to blackmail should the circumstances have need.

And Kaidan found it appropriate to continue his work without the criminal title tacked on.

It did come with being the leader of the Blue Suns, at least until names were cleared, and Liara had offered the position to Zaeed first after some maneuvering of information. But the more seasoned mercenary had turned it down for reasons unknown to the ex-Marine and Kaidan had been second best. Not the most striking to one’s ego but it was better than being targeted for a ruthlessness seen in few former crew members aboard the Normandy.

The Blood Pack and Eclipse were in shambles when Kaidan started his work, and seeing Jorgal run from a fight more than keep going to the death was a victory in and of itself. Though Eclipse still worried Kaidan; even more now when they’d proven to have more than one ace-in-the-hole.

Like a hallucination of Shepard standing aboard the Normandy, strangely calm and okay with the fact he had been dead. Kaidan knew it had to be that; there was no other logical explanation.

‘You can’t be John Shepard. He died saving the galaxy from Reapers. He died giving humanity a fighting chance.’ Kaidan’s words were laced with petrifying fear. ‘I…’

Shock had overcome Kaidan, tightening his breathing and forcing him to close his eyes again. A mistake; a weakness. It was just long enough for the Shepard there to approach him, hands immediately going for Kaidan’s shoulders to steady the biotic.

A naturally defensive response was the only thing Kaidan could manage over such harrowing movement.

Sharply focused eyes flew open, blue light tingeing sclera and encompassing the rest of his body almost a split second later, spreading like fire before emerging as a biotic push, throwing the Shepard imposter backwards across the deck and into several storage lockers located on the side of the medical bay.

‘Don’t touch me,’ Kaidan said coldly. What gave this fake a right to do so anyway? Hands balled into fists he moved forward, reinvigorated with a reckless courage and surge of power he hadn’t felt since he’d tried to escape the Kodiak back on Earth. All to get back to Shepard. Now someone had taken his face, had tarnished the name and seeming reputation of a war hero. One who died an honorable death and had his name already dragged through the mud on several occasions. Kaidan wouldn’t stand for it to happen again.

‘Kaidan,’ John choked out, still trying to get air back in his lungs. ‘You don’t want to do this. You know it’s me. I can prove it to you.’

Kaidan snarled now, lip curling up over teeth in threatened response. ‘How?’

John could do nothing but hesitate, trying to get back to his feet at the same time as looking for the right words to say. His lover, a man he had betrayed on accident several times but had in the end worked into his heart, was once again on the other side of the spectrum.

‘Kaidan…’

‘Tell me how, John!’ Kaidan’s voice tightened now, eyes burning through the effort of trying not to cave in and finding something Hell in John being there. ‘I thought you were dead. I mourned you. I cried every night because I wasn’t strong enough — I’m still not. And now…’ He had to stop, lowering his hands now, curling and uncurling fingers, afraid and heartbroken and hopeful all at the same time. ‘What am I supposed to believe?’

Shepard was at a loss for words, steadying himself once on his feet. He never was very good at being less awkward in one-on-one. He was gifted with the ability to rally his team, to bring hope to an army who needed a final push in the right direction. Shepard was a leader, the strong and courageous type who never backed down from a challenge. But when his former lover, a man who thought he was dead for the longest time, could not bear to look at him, like he was a horror from the deepest, darkest places of the human soul — he had nothing to say.

But remaining silent was not an option.

‘Believe in me,’ he said, stepping forward, hands up to keep Kaidan compliant with how close he was getting. ‘Believe that I am alive. I’m here now. I made a mistake Kaidan. I left when I shouldn’t have.’

‘Why are you alive?’ Kaidan wanted to know how John was there, talking to him, or if this was another lucid dream he was going to wake screaming from.

John still did not have an answer. He wanted an answer desperately, to comfort Kaidan and let him know it was fine, that everything was going to be alright. If he couldn’t convince himself why he was alive how was he to ever get Kaidan to believe him? Closing his eyes for just a moment Shepard sighed, rubbing the palm of his hand against his forehead.

‘I honestly don’t know Kaidan. I thought you would take me on faith. I thought maybe what I say would mean something to you. What we shared, what we had…’ He had to find the courage to look at the biotic again, to try and make him see the truth. ‘I wanted it since what feels like the first day I met you. When I sent you away after the Normandy was destroyed by the Collectors, the way you didn’t want to leave me, I knew there was something there. Something I had to ask later. Something I never got the chance to until it was too late.’

Shaking his head Shepard turned away, stooping down to pick up the dropped plate and utensils, the glass that was all but empty sans a few drops of water. Resources that were easily replaced where Kaidan’s trust was not. At least the silverware wouldn’t question his motives.

‘Horizon you hated me, or you wanted to. I know you apologized later but you still questioned me even on Mars. When you were supposed to trust me. I’ve never purposefully led anyone astray, even on Thessia when it was my mistake the planet was taken. You know me better than that, and with all the integrity you claim to have Kaidan,’ John paused upon depositing the plate in the small sink, covering it in case of sudden bank or turbulence. ‘You have no qualms about becoming the enemy.’

Ah, so the truth will out.

Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest, blue biotic light fading a moment later. His focus was entirely on John and his concentration could not be compromised by use of his power. Even when the sudden deactivation left him with an echo of a headache.

Just perfect; now was not the time.

‘What do you want from me John?’

Shepard had no idea how to respond to that. He’d come back from what people thought was the dead, though he had been very much alive. Liara had been tantamount, yet again, in recovering him, but her resources for medical care were limited. She’d explained this to him before he’d been put under for what he’d learned from Doctor Chakwas was a little over two months. Liara had to send him away, get him better medical attention, have his cybernetic implants repaired and new ones put in where they were needed for his survival. Who he’d been given to next he had no idea, but he did know Eclipse had something to do with it. Their technology, maybe?

‘I want you to understand, Kaidan. I want you to know what I went through,’ he said.

Kaidan scoffed. ‘Right, Shepard. Like you would understand what the rest of us went through. What _I_ went through.’

‘Stop,’ Shepard said suddenly. ‘Just stop, Kaidan. Stop and listen to me for a minute. That’s all I want — a minute.’

 _What about what I wanted?_ Kaidan thought bitterly to himself, casting his gaze to the ground and away from John. This was all a terrible nightmare, one he should have attached no merit to. John was dead and he wasn’t coming back. He would never come back, not again. Not like the last time.

‘You left me John. You left me to go save the galaxy and for one moment I was willing to damn my own morality to keep you. I wanted to protect you, Shepard. When they said you died saving everybody I could only think of how they may have won, that the galaxy may be safe, but I was alone. Alone and afraid.’ Kaidan breathed in, finally having resigned to that deepening sorrow returning. ‘I’m afraid, John. I’m afraid and I can’t tell anyone. I have to be strong for my people now, for the Blue Suns. For Liara.’

‘Liara?’ Shepard cut in. ‘What do you know about Liara? Where is she?’

Confusion flickered across Kaidan’s visage for just a moment. ‘I…I haven’t heard from her for a while. The last time I heard from her she asked me to take over Santiago’s position. Zaeed refused and…well…here I am, Shepard.’

‘A mercenary?’

‘A freelancer, more like,’ Kaidan said.

‘I don’t believe it.’ John responded.

It was hard to make someone believe you when you’d been dead, but even harder when you had turned against what seemed like your very moral foundation.

But John took a chance, moving forward again. He raised his arms slow enough to not incite another attack from Kaidan, but to try and reach out for him with open arms. Arms Kaidan desperately wanted to wrap himself into, to be warm and held by for many years to come. He just couldn’t accept it, not right then.

Though Shepard wasn’t going to take no for an answer, not this time — he’d never been one to give up.

‘Kaidan. I can only ask you to trust me. At least until I can work out for myself how this happened.’

It should have been enough, Kaidan knew it, but he wasn’t going to let himself fall victim to an imposter if he could help it.

‘When you find out, you let me know.’

To keep from doing something stupid he turned away, no longer hungry and no longer wanting to be on the Normandy. He’d stay for as long as Doctor Chakwas said was good for the healing process, but no longer than necessary.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘How’s he doing?’

Steve Cortez had been the one to drag Kaidan back to the Normandy. He’d attempted to save the Major’s life because that’s what counted; even more than the lives of the Blue Suns who had been abandoned to a slow and painful death.

Whatever chemical Eclipse had used it was doing severe amounts of damage.

Doctor Chakwas had explained to Commander Vega about Omega-Enkaphalin, even with as little information as she had on the drug. Cerberus had developed it some years back in an attempt to influence political holdings. Some asari matriarch had been boasting about how powerful biotics were compared to non-biotics and as a result had been dosed just enough to dampen her powers, forcing her to lose her political power at the same time.

Steve had stayed in the med-bay ever since. James came down every once in a while to visit and make sure Kaidan would survive, but their only hope was to take the Major to the Citadel and get him the medical attention only Huerta Memorial Hospital could provide.

The Alliance would swoop down in a moment’s notice, cart off the Major for desertion of his post in the military, and would probably lock him up for the rest of his life. Steve honestly wanted to see them keep a powerful biotic like Alenko under restraint. It was easy enough with the drug still in his system but Doctor Chakwas had found some unusual help in the new salarian aboard the Normandy.

Maelon Heplorn was not a personal friend of anyone still alive but he was a good salarian scientist. His background was shady, something Steve didn’t want to know and something even Vega distrusted, but he was good at what he did. Genetic and chemical manipulation was one of the few things the Normandy crew did not have in spades and he was proving a useful assistant to the doctor.

‘Recovery is slow, Lieutenant Cortez,’ Doctor Chakwas responded. ‘Maelon and I are attempting to synthesize an antidote for the toxin. With no viable information or records on Omega-Enkaphalin there is nothing we can do at the moment.’

The tone of her voice was somewhat regretful. Cortez knew there wasn’t a hope with the limited equipment and research they did have. ‘Anything we can do to help?’

Maelon now turned to Steve, a bit tall and a little intimidating even for a salarian. Most of them were untrustworthy to Cortez at first. Even when he’d met Garrus, Tali, Liara — they all seemed a bit off to him. Maybe it was the stories of the First Contact War; maybe it was how some alien races still looked down upon humanity. Cortez found little merit in pushing them away entirely but having a lack of trust was sufficient to get by.

‘Not right now. He needs rest. His mind is trying to reset. Imagine a computer trying to reboot itself. The toxin is reprogramming his brain the same way a virus would a code. Being biotic and losing the high-energy output needed to maintain his power level is stressful on his body.’ Maelon didn’t speak as fast as some salarians but he did have the quality of elaboration most of the somewhat amphibious species did.

‘So…what? All he needs to do is sleep?’ Cortez queried, somewhat confused.

‘Precisely. Doctor Chakwas and I will do everything we can to make him comfortable but we cannot cure him,’ Maelon replied, returning to his work a moment later.

Doctor Chakwas spoke up this time. ‘In other words, Lieutenant Cortez, his condition will continue to worsen if we do not get him expert help.’

Oh, that was not a good thing. Steve had been there off and on for the past few days, watching as Kaidan fought through whatever the drug was doing to him. Nightmares, maybe hallucinations, that’s what Doctor Chakwas had said. But what was a ‘hallucination’ in a situation like this?

They’d been monitoring brain activity in the hopes it would clear up but the drug had been a high dose, something which may have been lethal but instead would cause lasting damage if not treated in the right amount of time.

If only they had the equipment to record dreams to see what was going on in the Major’s head.

‘Everything will be okay, Kaidan. We’ll get you the help you need,’ Cortez whispered to Kaidan after taking a seat by him. He wasn’t the right person to comfort anyone before, but Shepard had helped him get over that. Now Cortez was trying to be the support others needed in times like this.

Shepard did a lot of things for his crew and Cortez would be damned before he’d let the one person who meant more to John die for the Normandy crew’s mistake.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The Normandy docked at Omega upon Kaidan’s request. Two weeks had passed with Alenko away from his duties and though the toxin had successfully been flushed from his system he felt worse for it. Whatever the Blue Suns had done in his absence, how they handled Eclipse and the remains of the Blood Pack was going to prove a task to clean up.

Kaidan hoped they hadn’t made their move against Aria without him.

‘Is there anything I can do to convince you to stay?’

Vega had accompanied the Major for docking, walking him to the main hull of Omega. Afterlife thrummed with a tantalizing beat in the background but Kaidan paid no mind. Everything about Omega was a drug, more than Hallex or Red Dust. He wanted to leave, needed to get away from a ship that had successfully given him more bad memories.

‘No,’ Kaidan replied coldly. ‘There is nothing for me on the Normandy.’ He turned to Vega, a burning hate in his eyes when he laid eyes on the new commander. ‘Especially with that nightmare on it.’

Securing his assault rifle to his back Kaidan started to walk away. Aria would want to see him no doubt. After his little stunt involving Jorgal and the Blue Suns she’d want to tear him a new one. Whatever he’d missed in two weeks would come to light sooner or later. For now he knew his best option was to get to her before she could do something to slight him. A good friend stabbed you in the front. That’s how the saying went. That made Aria an enemy, and though it was always supposed to be the enemy of my enemy is my friend, there was no alliance when it came to the self-proclaimed head bitch of Omega.

‘If you need anything, Major Alenko, don’t hesitate to contact the Normandy,’ James said, taking his own leave back to the docking bay.

Like Kaidan would find use of that.

Afterlife was a pulse of carnal life. People were dancing, drinking, smoking, taking hallucinatory drugs Kaidan was sure were nine-kinds of illegal. But on Omega there were no rules, no laws; everything was tantamount to an autocracy, in which Aria ruled with a blue-iron fist.

Kaidan would never get over how a woman so pompous could be king of the mountain.

But he would endure, and as he trudged up the steps to where he knew Aria was to be found he felt a sense of unease, like none of it was real and it was all a dream.

Voices in his mind, the sudden shift of his regrets coming back full force. Why was he still working with the Blue Suns? Shouldn’t he have heeded the words of his friends? Should he have turned away from them and gone back to the Alliance? They’d have arrested him for treason, certainly, but his outstanding military background should have been enough to let him skirt by with at least a small demotion and a slap on the wrist.

It was difficult to determine whether or not the wrong thing was definitely the right.

‘Kaidan Alenko. So _nice_ of you to show up.’ Aria spoke as if she were expecting the biotic.

‘Thought you might want to see me alive and well again,’ was all he could reply with.

She sneered at him, actually standing and approaching him with the fluid grace of a bristling cat. Kaidan had met people like her, all hot-headed and trigger-happy before they’d even had a chance to talk. Many of the enlisted in the Alliance Marines had proven they were just as gung-ho when it was entirely unnecessary.

‘Remind me why I shouldn’t kill you and keep everything you have.’ Oh, there was threat in that tone.

Kaidan couldn’t help the brief smirk flitting over his expression. It was hard to avoid something like that when Aria looked like she ready to rip off a krogan’s testicles and feed them to him.

‘Because I have control of the Blue Suns,’ Alenko stated simply. ‘And because the Blood Pack is on the run.’

That made the asari stop. For a second Aria debated on telling this human to get off Omega at the utmost convenience — which usually consisted of _immediately_ — or to be her personal whipping-boy like Patriarch was.

Kaidan waited patiently, holding on to the solid mask of will and determination for what she was going to say. Aria instead waved her hand in dismissal. She was letting him go.

The Major released the breath he’d been holding, trying his hardest for her not to hear or see him do it.

After Aria’s personal guards had escorted him out of Afterlife, Kaidan made his way to the slums of the apartments. He knew residential would be where the Blue Suns were hiding. It was their territory, after all, and taking it back from the Blood Pack had been more than enough of a challenge.

What he didn’t expect was the man standing at the entrance, looking a bit too lost and hopeful for his own good.

‘Shepard.’

The former commander turned to look at Kaidan, withdrawing his hands from the pockets of his N7 hoodie, trying his best to remain strong when faced with the man whom he had loved and now lost.

Again.

‘What do you want, John?’ Kaidan wasn’t in the mood for an argument or a fight or some kind of convincing to get him back on the Normandy. He had even told himself Shepard died back on the Citadel in the final assault against the Reapers. John Shepard saved the galaxy; there was no denying it now.

‘I want you to come back Kaidan.’

Kaidan smiled bitterly, trying to hide the grimace caused by his heart fluttering. As much as he wanted to hate this Shepard he knew he would always love him, if only because he had the face of the man who died doing what he did best. ‘Leave me alone.’

Yet as he walked by this man was persistent, seizing Kaidan’s arm just above the elbow, between the plates of armor the Major was wearing. He’d been forced to leave behind the N7 armor he had taken from Earth’s memorial of Shepard but he hadn’t let them take the dog tags back.

‘I’m not leaving until you let me explain.’

Kaidan heard determination there, pausing just long enough to cock one eyebrow in curiosity. He wrenched his arm from the imposter’s grasp, crossing both over his chest a moment later. As much as was comfortable with the bulk of armor hindering him, anyway. ‘You have two minutes, then I’m out of here.’ He had business to attend to and it couldn’t wait another hour while they had a faux-lover’s quarrel.

But Shepard had to take a moment to collect himself, first running one hand over the light dusting of hair over his head before turning back to Kaidan. ‘I’m not sure what happened after the war against the Reapers. I remember Liara telling me everything was going to be alright, but she had to send me away.’

How was he supposed to explain the unknown to a man who was hard to earn the trust of back?

‘She told me what happened, how injured I was and the only way to save me was to send me somewhere for the help she couldn’t give. Even as the Shadow Broker I’m sure her means were limited.’

Kaidan could believe that somewhat. Liara had needed him to get her information, assets, and a force of battle-hardened mercenaries to do her bidding. They made the perfect soldiers even if they weren’t in the traditional sense. He’d still done his part and she had kept his man and whereabouts off the record. That was a good enough payment in exchange for what he could do. She’d known it and still knew it now.

The incident involving the Normandy and Eclipse was about to be all over Alliance communication channels but at least it would be buried under so many conspiracies in the past. They’d forget Kaidan Alenko ever came up for air once they realized he was too far gone again.

Unless Vega or Cortez or someone on the Normandy shared that tidbit of information with Alliance command. He highly doubted that. Shepard had taught them to protect their own when the situation called for it, but Kaidan didn’t know what kind of orders Vega was willing to follow now.

‘The last thing I remember was going to sleep. That was almost three months ago.’ Shepard went quiet for almost minute after that, allowing Kaidan to conclude the man was done.

‘That’s it? That’s all you know?’ It was hard to believe, even with what sounded like the truth. ‘Liara keeps her secrets, she has to, but something like this? Why would she keep it from me? She knows how close we were, what you meant to me. Why hide it?’

‘Because,’ Shepard replied. ‘She didn’t want you to hope I would be alright if I might only have a one-way ticket to death.’

 _That_ made even more sense. Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, even as difficult as that was through the Kevlar gloving on his hand.

Why did things have to get so complicated before they got better?

‘I don’t know what to believe anymore, Shepard. I don’t know if you’re a clone or some ploy by Cerberus to get their footing back again. I don’t know if you’re a puppet of whatever Reapers may still be out there.’ Dark eyes focused on Shepard’s, still accusing of some evil plan to backstab him, but well enough he could give his own thoughts. After so long of Shepard being gone he knew it was time to admit what he’d been bottling up for a long while.

‘EDI barely survived where the geth and the Reapers were destroyed. They said you were dead, that the only things left behind were pieces of your armor and this.’ He’d reached through the throat-protecting material of his suit to pull off the dog tags, snapping the chain and throwing them down at Shepard’s feet. ‘So I’m sorry if seeing you back from the dead is a little hard to believe. _A second time_.’

‘Why don’t you believe it? I’ve always known you to be a little open-minded about these things, Kaidan.’ There was literal confusion on the Commander’s face but Kaidan was trying not to take to it.

His stomach already started turning at the thought of rejecting this man, even if he might have been the real flesh-and-blood John.

‘When you survive your world collapsing around you when everyone else rises from the ashes of a war, you’ll find trust hard to come by too,’ he stated.

That made Shepard go quiet and still, trying to figure out if Kaidan was speaking the truth. Whatever the Major said Shepard knew had substantial merit to it. Kaidan never said anything he didn’t want, and if he did he would have apologized a long time back.

Shepard knew this was coming. ‘You won’t return with me, will you?’

‘No,’ Kaidan said in a low voice. ‘I can’t.’

He sighed, looking up at the apartment buildings looming over their heads. Families lived in the wards, trusted mercenaries to protect them. It was a society he knew he shouldn’t have associated himself with but he was doing some good. The Blue Suns protected the people of Omega and they in return gained trust and supplies. Citizens shared what they had instead of paying protection money. Some people didn’t have the credits to spare and Kaidan could see that.

‘Every part of me wants to, Shepard. I would give anything to have what we once had but…’ He went quiet, trying to find the right words. It was a bad time for his throat to tighten, his eyes to burn, and he didn’t want to lose control, not again. He’d almost severely injured Cortez last time. Control was everything now.

‘But what, Kaidan?’ Shepard had moved closer, reaching out to try and comfort Kaidan by laying a hand on his arm. The Major gave that one gesture a long, thoughtful look, closing his eyes and resigning to what he was feeling for the first time in a long, _long_ time.

‘…but they are counting on me. Someone needs me again, Shepard. And I think I can do some good here before I try to tackle what I keep running from.’

That was something John could relate to. ‘Focus on the first mission before taking off for the second. I wish I had been more like you, Kaidan. It might not have meant the end of you and me.’

Kaidan smiled genuinely after so long of feeling nothing. He knew the happiness was there, but the willingness to embrace it was not. ‘If you had been more like me Shepard, we’d all be dead.’

While he was strong in his own right Kaidan was no leader. He could direct a small group in battle, any kind of combat, and do the right thing as a leader was intended, but he could not have saved a galaxy or been responsible for the unification of many alien species. He’d probably have gotten everyone killed just like he’d told Shepard.

‘I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Kaidan,’ John said softly. He was close enough for Kaidan to wrap his arms around, to hold again, and to kiss like they did before the final assault on the Reapers. That had been the most defining moment of the human race and while Shepard had succeeded Kaidan took the heaviest hit.

He’d lost the love of his life.

‘I think you overestimate me,’ Kaidan replied breathlessly.

John moved in closer, taking initiative and sliding one arm around Kaidan’s waist, steadily backing him up into the wall. Everything stopped for just a moment. The galaxy ceased to move, Kaidan forgot to breathe, and John’s lips upon his own were mesmerizing. The Major’s eyes slipped shut and he gave in to the cascading rush of feelings he’d tucked away in the deepest recesses of his mind for what seemed like forever.

When his heart stopped and he accepted he didn’t need air, then everything became right again.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘He's not breathing!’

Cortez’s panic reflected on the sudden shift in how Doctor Chakwas and Maelon conducted themselves.

‘Commander Vega. Please remove Lieutenant Cortez from the med-bay.’ Doctor Chakwas was nothing but professional though the urgency in her voice could not be removed entirely. Vega did as was asked of him, directing Cortez by grasping his upper arms, moving him back just enough for the two doctors to get to work.

‘He’s not breathing James,’ Cortez said. He repeated it again and again like a mantra.

‘He’ll be alright Esteban. He’ll be fine and you need to calm down.’ The commander was doing everything he could to calm his crewmate down. Whatever was going through Steve’s head it had to be self-blame. Vega had seen it many times on a few soldiers. How could Esteban have been responsible though? Why did he think he was?

‘It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I was talking to him, telling him everything would be okay and I think I did it,’ Steve said in resignation.

James did the only thing he could think: he pulled Cortez against him in a comforting embrace. Unlike Commander Shepard, James didn’t know what to say half the time. Maybe he wasn’t as good a leader as the Alliance had faith in him to be but he knew what he was good at — being a friend.

‘He’ll make it,’ James breathed out. ‘I promise.’


	6. The Good Left Undone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To save Kaidan's life, Commander Vega and Lieutenant Cortez brought the major to the Citadel seeking medical attention. In doing so the Alliance has placed Major Alenko under arrest for a variety of charges, none of which look good as the threat of treason hangs over his head.

‘We’ve managed…stabilize…brain damage…’

Voices tuned in and out, again and again through the thundering of a heartbeat. A heartbeat assisted by an artificial pacemaker, strapped in and wired to prevent failure a second time.

Kaidan wasn’t aware of everything around him but the bright lights and deafening sounds. It was difficult to breathe, like a weight had been put upon his chest and held him back from asking what was happening; what was wrong.

‘Will he…’

He couldn’t recognize the voices. He couldn’t move. Everything felt lucid, unreal; was he finally dead?

‘…be fine.’

Sleep consumed Kaidan again, lights fading behind closed eyelids even as the rest of the galaxy kept revolving.

_’When this is over, I’m going to be waiting for you. You’d better show up.’_

A flash of light, brief but there, just beyond the reaches of his sight. The sudden sear of pain in his head told him he was conscious, albeit barely, but he could hear shuffling and clicking, machines starting up and shifting their positions. A pain in his arm brought a hiss from him, the tightness of his throat preventing him from speaking. Everything was raw, bare; and he was starting to realize he wasn’t saving anyone anymore.

‘Kaidan?’

Whose voice was that? Vega? Cortez? Maybe it was Garrus. No, it wasn’t dulcet enough to be Garrus’. Wasn’t Joker’s. God, why did his head _hurt_?

‘You awake?’ It was definitely Cortez. He’d heard it in his sleep.

Kaidan managed a groan this time, attempting to open his eyes but finding the blinding lights hovering above him too much to bear. They were dimmed a moment later, as if by him asking, blinds narrowed on windows and giving the biotic a chance to ease eyelids open just enough.

Metal was the first thing he saw. Glass to his left, a computer console with various readings to his right, and at the foot of the hospital bed was Steve Cortez. It hurt to show any expression but Kaidan couldn’t hold back the smirk.

He’d saved the crew of the Normandy and they had in turn saved him.

‘Thank God. Doctor Chakwas has been working with the medical technicians and they didn’t think you would wake up. They said brain damage could be extensive but putting you in a machine or scanning you could be detrimental.’ 

Cortez sounded worried — that was just like him.

Kaidan tried to sit up again, feeling heavier than usual, almost immobilized. Why couldn’t he move? Shrugging his shoulders now to get feeling back into them, almost numb to the very core, the response Kaidan got was Cortez pushing down on his shoulders, trying to keep him there.

‘Don’t move. They said nerve damage could be a side effect. Whatever Eclipse hit you with they were prepared.’

Like they _knew_ more than they were letting on.

‘What…?’ Kaidan barely managed to choke out one word, coughing not too long after. His throat was dry, scraped all to shit and it was probably because he couldn’t have gotten air through it. It felt like they’d shoved a tube down his esophagus and he was feeling the repercussions of it.

‘Eclipse got you with some kind of drug. Maelon and Doctor Chakwas said it was a toxin. Something called Omega-Enkaphalin? I didn’t understand most of what they said to me but it sounded pretty bad,’ Steve explained, sitting back in the chair he’d been given. He’d refused to leave Kaidan there by himself and Admiral Hackett wanted someone guarding the prisoner.

It sounded like it. The minor throbbing in Kaidan’s head warranted him reaching up to rub his temples, but he couldn’t. Something was holding him down. Were those _handcuffs_? ‘Steve,’ he choked out, having to cough again to clear his throat. ‘Why am I handcuffed?’

The lieutenant didn’t want to say anything to the major, not yet. Not when he was sure Kaidan would react badly.

‘Steve?’ Kaidan’s voice had dropped to a dangerous note.

‘I’m sorry Kaidan,’ Steve said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Twin metal doors parted, allowing Commander James Vega and two Alliance Marines into the hospital room. Kaidan immediately sat up, blood running cold at the realization of what was about to happen.

‘Major Kaidan Alenko,’ a voice said from behind Vega. The major couldn’t quite move over far enough to see but the man speaking came into his view soon enough. ‘You are being summoned to courts-martial by the Earth Alliance Military. As such, you are required to appear before the Alliance Parliament for observation of evidence, judging, and subsequent sentencing.’

‘Son of a bitch,’ was all Kaidan could get out before turning his attention to Vega. Anger burned in his eyes, directed entirely at the new commander with all the ferocity of Feros winds.

‘There is also the order of detainment,’ Admiral Hackett continued, ‘in which you will be withheld in custody until medical release and transport to Earth can be secured. Lieutenant Steve Cortez and Commander James Vega will be posted as personal guard in shifts, and two marines will be placed outside your door at all times.’

He turned to leave, smoothing one hand over the front of his uniform before adjusting his tie. It seemed Admiral Hackett couldn’t even face Alenko as it was. Too ashamed of someone so heroic doing the exact opposite of what was expected? ‘No unauthorized visits will be tolerated. Commander Vega, Lieutenant Cortez; he is yours until I send transport for him.’

With a hiss the doors closed again, leaving Kaidan, Vega, and Cortez alone. No doctors; no marines in with them.

‘Fuck you Vega!’ Kaidan growled between clenched teeth, straining to bring his arms up. He wanted to throw as much power as possible at the two-faced marine.

‘Kaidan’, Steve interjected, ‘please calm down. You’re going to hurt yourself.’

‘No. I won’t calm down,’ Kaidan growled back. ‘I want _him_ to tell me _why_ he ratted me out.’

Vega hadn’t given away his location back on Omega. Kaidan would have known if he did; the Alliance would have come knocking down Aria’s door just to arrest a rogue marine.

But now he was right where he didn’t want to be.

‘Because there was no way to get you here without the Alliance knowing. We had to do something,’ Cortez said, drawing Kaidan’s gaze not a second after. ‘Please, Kaidan. You need to _calm down_.’

The major laid back, paying heavier attention to Steve now, ignoring Vega completely. Whatever James could have said to redeem himself, whatever he might extend in amnesty — Alenko wasn’t going to listen to him. So the commander gripped his assault rifle tighter, shifting to face the window looking out over the Presidium. Despite the Citadel being beautiful there was only an ugliness that blanketed everything.

Shepard’s closest and dearest friend was about to be hanged. Treason came in many forms, but desertion and giving up whatever information Kaidan had known probably ranked amongst the offenses that would put a person on the gallows.

James didn’t want to see him die, not like that. He would leave it to Steve to tell Kaidan everything he’d need to know.

Pulling his chair closer, Steve leaned forward, resting his arms on the edge of the hospital bed. What he wanted to do was reassure Kaidan, either through a touch of the hand or through any kind of soft expression but Cortez was afraid. The lieutenant had seen some of the trials military officials of high rank went through and none of them were as bad as what Kaidan had done. He’d expected better but a broken heart was a broken heart, no matter what you tried to believe.

‘The poison had already caused some damage. You were in a coma and you stopped breathing. It didn’t take long for Doctor Chakwas to get you on a respirator but then your heart stopped. It stopped and we didn’t know what to do.’ Steve had looked down at some point during his explanation, pulling some sympathy from Kaidan but not a lot. Not at the moment.

‘I spent six hours trying to keep your heart pumping. The Normandy isn’t equipped as an emergency station. You were going to die.’ The guilt was even more obvious now.

‘Why here?’ Kaidan asked softly.

‘Because…’ Steve had to pause, had to look away, almost too ashamed to really do anything other than tell the truth. The major deserved at least that much. ‘Because it was my idea.’

Alenko wanted to ask more questions, had more to say, but the disbelief of how Cortez could have betrayed him held him back. Why would he do that? Why would he turn him over just to save his life?

‘They’ll hang me, Steve,’ Kaidan said softly, words finally finding him.

Even upon the revelation of what the Alliance Parliament might rule, it became apparent there was no way around what Cortez had done and what he himself would endure. The Alliance would be less than forgiving. Times of war often created rash decisions leading to discharge or sometimes brief imprisonment, but after a war had already been won? What excuse was there that would get him at most relieved of duty? That would be a blessing in disguise.

‘I don’t think they will,’ Cortez offered in retort. ‘I mean, you did abandon your duties and rank responsibilities but there isn’t any concrete proof you gave out any Alliance information.’

How would Steve know that? Kaidan cocked his head to the side just barely, finding the answer escaping him at the moment. But the lieutenant caught on and shrugged only barely. ‘I asked EDI to do some digging and she said she couldn’t find anything. Not really.’

There wasn’t much to go on. He’d left the Alliance for good reason — a reason Kaidan at least thought was justifiable — and the military turned around to screw him over as best they could. Isn’t that what they always did?

And what were they going to do about Shepard being ali—

‘Wait. Where’s John?’

No one answered him, not immediately. Cortez had a curious hint to expression but Vega ignored the major entirely. Good; like Kaidan wanted to speak to him at the moment anyway.

‘Kaidan,’ Steve started, rubbing his hands against his pants to get the sweat on his palms to go away. ‘Commander Shepard’s dead. Still dead. Since the end of the war.’

No, that wasn’t right. ‘I saw him on the Normandy. He came and spoke to me. He’s the one who dragged me off the Eclipse station and to medical.’

Cortez didn’t want to break Kaidan’s hopes or his dreams, but whatever the toxin had done to him vivid hallucinations had been part of it. ‘I pulled you out of there Kaidan. Vega helped me.’

Kaidan shook his head again, this time sure of himself. One hundred percent. ‘He was on Omega. He came to talk to me and…’ And Kaidan remembered how that night had turned out. His first day back on the mercenary job and the only thing Shepard could really do to convince him he loved him was give him the love and affection he’d desperately craved.

But Steve’s face was enough to convince him otherwise.

‘He really is dead, isn’t he?’ The forlorn look in Kaidan’s eyes was enough to make the lieutenant regret telling him that again.

‘Yes,’ Cortez said under his breath. ‘Whatever you saw, whatever you did, whatever you _think_ was going on…all of that was from the toxin.’

‘Hallucinations,’ Vega cut in. ‘That’s what Esteban’s saying.’

It was time for Kaidan to pay more attention now, eyes narrowed at the new commander but trying to listen to what he had to say. He didn’t like James, not at the moment, and though the young Marine had done his best to save his life again and again Alenko wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of old friendship.

‘You were dreaming. Lots of brain activity. Cortez stayed with you all the time but when he couldn’t stay awake I took over for him. Monitors said you were unconscious but dreaming. Chakwas said a little too much.’ James’ tone had dropped considerably, denoting guilt and probably an inconsistency in what he was saying.

Or it was just that bad of a truth.

Alenko was speechless, laying back against the bed and going completely lax, all muscles losing tension. Silence followed, for Kaidan had nothing to say to that.

John was still dead. Everything he’d been through, all the conversations and that night on Omega — oh God, it was all fake. A numb tingling overcame him and he closed his eyes, trying to avoid crying or caving in so far into himself he would never claw his way out. It was hard to come back from the dead once, let alone a second time. Kaidan knew he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. But how could he have stopped himself? Vega and Cortez both confirmed he’d been in a coma since toxic dosing and now he was just starting to recover.

The Alliance wanted to judge him guilty for abandoning his company and rank; the crew of the Normandy probably thought less of him for becoming a mercenary and devolving into the very thing they all hated.

Shepard was rolling in his grave somewhere.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘Major.’

Said major looked up, focusing on the marine standing by the door. As the biotic rose from his chair a salute was given to him, forcing Kaidan to halt for just a moment. Was he still part of the military or was the Alliance only doing this to showboat how in-power they really were? He felt his heart sink in his chest but refused to show it, offering a salute back to the messenger.

‘The Parliament will see you now,’ came the explanation.

 _Great_ , Kaidan thought to himself. The Defense Council wasn’t going to be present today; just the entirety of the Alliance military hierarchy. He wasn’t even sure who sat on the Parliament now. The three who had met with Shepard at the start of the war died just minutes after Kaidan had last seen them.

A new Parliament was the last thing the Alliance needed.

Almost five months to rebuild everything. Kaidan had been gone after the first two weeks. He couldn’t take being an admiral, or having to rebuild the lives of others when he had nothing to really look forward to. He had seen the looks on the faces of his comrades as he’d refused to be there for the placing of Shepard’s name plaque on the memorial wall and even more when Cortez had put an image of Shepard on the Citadel. John was everywhere, on every station, in the very memories Kaidan had thought he could turn to. Instead he was finding it difficult to stay the calm and collected man he’d always been when his walls came crashing down.

A broken heart did that.

‘This way, sir.’ The marine directed Kaidan to the double doors standing between him and the rest of his (potentially short) life. Without John, without something to really look forward to, he’d found trying to brush up and build a case was against the very fabric of his own nature. Steve and James wanted to help him, give him a fighting chance, but Alenko didn’t want it anymore. He wanted to curl up and forget he even existed. Anything was better than the void.

Metal doors slid shut behind Kaidan as several armed guards flanked him, automatic weapons at the ready. They were afraid he was going to do some damage, maybe? Kaidan couldn’t lift a piece of paper with his biotic power, not since that toxin had been force fed into his brain.

‘This session of courts-martial will now come to order.’

There were five members on the Parliament present for the hearing and Kaidan had a very bad feeling about their disposition towards him. The judging panel was supposed to be unbiased — they weren’t.

‘Major Kaidan Alenko of the First Special Operations Biotic Company and the Alliance Naval Fleet,’ a woman in the middle was addressing him. She didn’t have the decency to look at him while rattling off the facts; _very_ obvious facts. ‘You are being charged with desertion, sharing of Alliance intelligence, and treason.’

Silence gathered over the congregation, officers and soldiers alike behind railings of faux-gold. Vega and Cortez were there as well with most of the crew of the Normandy. Were they there for support? Maybe to get the satisfaction they desired? Kaidan balled his hands into fists, remaining as calm as he could on the surface but he was starting to ruffle just beneath that thick skin. He’d taken worse insults and damage from mercenaries; whatever the Parliament thought they were going to prove they couldn’t.

There was nothing to pin on him.

‘Four months and eighteen days prior to this meeting you abandoned Earth and her people. When the galaxy needed leaders and rebuilders you left your men and planet behind.’ She sounded just a tad bit pissed. Not his issue; not entirely. ‘You provided criminal groups with plans for Alliance-grade ships, as well as weapons still within testing. How you gained access to these plans we are unsure but that information will be brought to light soon.’ She drew fingertips over the data pad in her hands, never once giving him the decency of eye contact. ‘The first charge, while not normally of a grievous nature, has been coupled with an ulterior motive.’

What? Kaidan perked up almost immediately. They were tying both charges together, like they were related? He felt anger surge through him again, taking a step forward. The barrel of an automatic rifle was directed at his head, just inches from his face. He stopped right then. Now was not the time to get blown away because he didn’t like what the admirals had to say.

‘I didn’t realize Alliance Parliament was an Inquisition,’ Kaidan interjected, effectively silencing the admiral whom had been speaking. ‘Thought that died out in the eighteen-hundreds.’

‘Major Alenko,’ she continued, almost without bother from what he’d said. Her tone hadn’t changed one bit. ‘You are taking this trial far too lightly. If you have any chance of walking out of here a free man I would suggest answering for your crimes. Provide us the evidence we need to be convinced.’

‘No,’ he gave in answer. It was quick, seemingly thoughtless, but the only defense he had. ‘I don’t think I will give my reasons. None of you care about the soldiers; about what they feel. All you care about is your structure, your power, and I’m glad I decided to leave that behind. All it did was bring me grief. All it will _ever_ do is bring me grief.’

His silence spoke more than his words, eyes focused on every one of the admirals, dancing from one to the other, searching for some kind of understanding. He didn’t really want them to. In fact, he wanted a reason for them to give him the maximum punishment, whatever that was. Kaidan was tired of running away from the Normandy crew, from his past and memories, from the galaxy as a whole.

‘Treason, right? You’re charging me with treason?’ He moved forward again, appearing less threatening so the marines who had been guarding him backed off. They were giving him a chance to explain himself, which was more than Kaidan could say for the Parliament.

‘If that’s enough to convict me, line up the firing squad.’ The major was trembling and it was difficult to stay strong when most of his ghosts came flooding back.

For just a moment the admirals looked surprised, some straightening their posture while the others leaned forward to focus on what a highly-decorated soldier was telling them. It sounded like a plea to them. ‘Are you telling us, Major Alenko, that you _want_ to die?’

 _Surprise, surprise_ , Kaidan thought bitterly. ‘If you want to look at it that way, yeah, I do,’ he said.

Shocked silence settled on the entire room; a silence born of emotional turmoil and the sudden influx of insecurities. That was what Kaidan had expected of them. When faced with adversity threatening their entire race with physical harm humanity would rise out of the ashes. But when they had to deal with the emotional repercussions of a war and trauma they were inept. Kaidan expected no less of those who held themselves higher because of rank. It was a notion he didn’t want to let go to his head.

‘How many of you had family in the colonies? How many of you had someone to go home to? To start a new life with?’ The major’s attention was no longer on just the judging panel but on every living soul in the room. ‘When the war was over all we had to do was rebuild, right?’

What was he supposed to tell them about Shepard? How could he prove exactly what he felt? What evidence was there to physically hand to the admirals to convince them he had a reason for doing what he did? Kaidan honestly didn’t care; not anymore. He wanted to curl up and die so many times he’d become numb to the pain. An emotional morphine he didn’t want to stop. He’d pissed away years he could have spent with Shepard and in the end only had a couple months with him. It was not long enough to truly be happy.

‘Not all of us had a future to look forward to. Not all of us had husbands or wives or partners or children. Not all of us had happiness and relief from months of suffering and despair. Some of us carried that pain with us when we watched the only person who meant anything to us go to their death.’ Kaidan was shaking visibly now, eyes burning and throat tightening but he resisted breaking down to say what he needed to say. The admirals needed to hear what it was like to be human.

‘I watched Shepard leave me to save the galaxy. To save all of you and he shouldn’t have thrown his life away if this is how you’ll remember him.’ The accusing look in the major’s eyes forced several admirals to avert their own gaze.

‘I loved him more than any of you will ever know and I never got to tell him.’ Anger broiled beneath Kaidan’s skin, making it crawl and his fists to tighten again. He knew blood had been drawn but didn’t care.

He didn’t care about much anymore.

‘So go ahead,’ he added, resigning himself to the end of explaining himself. He shouldn’t have had to. ‘Judge me guilty. Sentence me to death. I already know you’ve made your decision. But I pity all of you.’ A quick glance around and the room had gone deathly silent with focus. It meant they were listening. ‘I pity you because Shepard would be ashamed of what he’s saved. Kill your fellow soldiers, your fellow _humans_ , and do what you want — it doesn’t change how far from grace you’ve fallen.’

As the major ceased speaking the murmurs started; first at the back, working their way like a virus through the small gathering and on to the admirals, who had been shocked speechless. How were they to deal with a man who had no qualms about throwing blame on others? What truth was there to what the major was speaking? None of them had an answer or a reply for anything said to them and instead began to speak privately. 

Whispering voices and it was enough to make Kaidan sick to his stomach, closing his eyes now as he bowed his head.

‘Admirals. If I may?’

Cortez had left his designated seating, approaching the floor. He knew what it was like, he really did understand, and he wanted to put his best foot forward for a friend in need. Steve could recognize pain where it festered.

‘You may, Lieutenant Cortez.’ The woman was awfully nice to Steve, wasn’t she? But Kaidan ignored her and instead locked gazes with the pilot as he came to stand next to him.

Hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, trying to reassure and comfort at the same time, just like back in the hospital, and Cortez started to address the Parliament.

‘We all remember the Collector attacks. Colonies lost, thousands of our loved ones gone. Some of us took the hit more than others but we were supportive. My husband and I were stationed at Ferris Fields when the Collectors came. I was off-world at the time but Robert still took the time to tell me to escape.’ It was easy to tell others about Robert now. And that was all thanks to Shepard. He had done everything he could to help Steve move on and that was what a true hero did.

‘I thought it was the end of my world. I didn’t want to live with the pain of losing him but I had to, and because I managed to hold on I met Commander Shepard.’ The lieutenant looked to Kaidan now, comforting words he wasn’t going to say out loud there for the major to hold on to if he needed them. ‘Shepard helped me let Robert go. He helped me realize that to love and hurt was to be human. Every time I wanted to cry, every time I wanted to be alone he understood. Work could wait, that’s what he would tell me. Shepard knew the merits of being human and having a soul, and allowing others to take the time they need to grieve was one of them.’

A hand was offered to Kaidan; a strong grip from a friend who was there to support him. If that meant he had to take the fall as well he would do so, but Cortez wanted to see the last remaining piece of Shepard persevere through the toughest times. The admirals weren’t going to make it easy but Shepard had always said the Normandy was a family. Brothers were there for one another.

Kaidan hesitated for only a second, hand shaking but reaching for Cortez’s anyway. It felt real and Kaidan wanted it. He’d been alone for so long having somebody there was a new experience.

‘All the major really needed was time to let Shepard go. He needed to remember the good things and he was never given a chance to.’ Beyond that Cortez didn’t know what to say. They were going to judge Kaidan guilty, it was a feeling he had, but he was going to at least provide the support Major Alenko needed to make it through whatever they had to say.

The admirals whispered amongst themselves once again, allowing deliberation of what their verdict would be.

After several minutes they had reached their decision, the woman in the center clearing her throat as she folded her hands in front of her. ‘The panel has reached a decision regarding not only the charge of treason but of desertion and trading of Alliance assets.’

Kaidan thought his heart wouldn’t start beating again, other hand gripping at Cortez’s now in an unconscious desperation he wasn’t sure he would have shown to anyone. Fright, maybe that was the word for it, and he thought he was going to faint. A dull ache started at the back of his head, working its way through his skull and into every crevice of his brain.

‘In light of each charge, the support of Lieutenant Cortez, and reasons thereof by Major Alenko, the panel has decided to find the defendant not guilty.’

‘What?’ Kaidan whispered under his breath. They couldn’t have found him innocent, not when they were so sure he had done what he’d done for criminal reasons.

‘This case is dismiss—‘

‘No,’ Kaidan said suddenly. ‘You couldn’t have reached that without throwing everything out. Why would you change your minds? You were ready to condemn me moments ago. What happened?’

‘Take care how you speak to us, Major Alenko.’ Oh, she was mad now. Kaidan could hear it in her tone. ‘You may be free of discharge and convicted treason but your offenses will not be taken as lightly as you have taken this judgment.’

The admiral lifted a data pad and read from it. Seemed they all shared their words. ‘Major Alenko will be stripped of rank and demoted to second lieutenant. He will also be ordered to serve probationary flight terms under Commander Vega aboard the SSV-Normandy. Limited interaction with field work and a focus on labor are conditions of rehabilitation.’

She was glaring at Kaidan again, who was a notch away from exploding with anger. Luckily Cortez had kept his hold on the major or there would be more than reason on the table.

‘Insubordination and breaking of rehabilitation orders will be grounds for permanent discharge from the Alliance and life imprisonment,’ she stated promptly, never letting her gaze lift from the shamed major. ‘This court has now come to close. Dismissed.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘Look at it this way Alenko,’ Vega said, dropping the M-920 Cain off on the armory table with a loud thud. ‘At least we don’t have to tell the admirals when you go out into the field.’

‘They can record us, Mr. Vega.’ Cortez interjected from across the shuttle bay, accusing eyes playfully peering out from behind the Kodiak he was still working on.

‘Yeah, yeah,’ the commander said with a wave of his hand. ‘Let them try to get past EDI. She’s smarter than they think.’

An unshackled AI usually was.

‘What do you want me to do then?’ Kaidan felt like he didn’t belong on the Normandy, not entirely, but he was there for as long as the admirals said he needed to be. It didn’t help he was a lieutenant again, even lower than Joker and Cortez, but he would accept it for now. Escaping first chance he got wasn’t on his list of ‘things-to-do’ anymore.

He still had his integrity to live up to.

‘Are you any good with a power-cutter?’

Cortez had been the one to offer something, not James, which gave Kaidan a bit of insight into how the Normandy ran now. Vega may have seemed to be in charge, may be the new commander, but the crew worked as one living body. Still the family the biotic knew. Well, some of them anyway.

That was why he grinned when he answered Cortez. ‘I know a thing or two.’

‘Well then, that settles it.’

Both lieutenants gave James confused looks bordering on ‘just what does that mean’ and ‘tell us or get the hell out of here’. He just stared right back.

‘You two get to work down here, and I get to go back to the CIC.’

Cortez chuckled and shook his head. ‘Even with Lieutenant Alenko down here I still need your help sorting the arms and armor for the field.’

‘Oh, that’s not problem,’ Vega responded. ‘But speaking of field work.’ He procured a data pad from the weapons station to his left, opening the flow of information with a few quick taps and handing it over to Kaidan. ‘We got orders from the admirals. High priority mission.’

A furrowing of eyebrows was Alenko’s response, taking the information and giving it as swift a read as he could while Vega continued to prattle off his own shorthand version.

‘Alliance got wind of Cerberus activity coming around again. Something about Eclipse and how they got the toxin they dosed you with.’ Oh, that got Kaidan’s attention.

‘Where are we going?’ Kaidan asked.

‘Cronos Station.’

‘That’s…’ Kaidan’s voice trailed off into silence. Cronos Station was where they’d taken the prothean VI when Cerberus had taken it from Thessia, and that was where Kai Leng had met his end. ‘I thought it was cleared?’

‘It was,’ Cortez added. ‘But they’ve gone back to it and they got past the Alliance to do it.’

‘Rescue mission?’ That seemed likely.

‘Actually,’ Vega said. ‘It’s more like search and destroy.’ He took the data pad back and switched it off, leveling with Kaidan this time, expression going from slightly playful to downright serious. ‘Whatever they’re doing it can’t be good. We have orders to kill anything and everything that isn’t Alliance branded, and we destroy the station on the way out.’

Kaidan sighed and nodded, saluting James as the commander departed from the shuttle bay after giving orders to suit up. Whoever they were taking with them they’d better have been ready. Cerberus was a whole new ballgame since the Illusive Man disappeared. Whoever took over had to be one helluva psychopath if he was doing what the former leader did. Kaidan didn’t want to see firsthand but orders were orders.

The ache inside wasn’t going to go away and neither was the anger at what the admirals did. Kaidan had come to terms with his life, had wanted to die so he could at least be with Shepard again, but there was a reason for everything. He’d taken away at least something from John’s wisdom.

What happened would happen, but there was always a reason. What that reason was, however, Kaidan could not quite put his finger on.


	7. For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Kaidan's first mission since his demotion, Cronos Station is hit by not only Commander Vega's team but the most unlikely of people as well. Important data remains on the station and it's a race to see who gets it first: the Alliance, Eclipse, or the Shadow Broker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for this taking so long. Life ate me. And now back to your regular scheduled programming.

When fire could burn through the hull of a ship it had to be something _other than fire_. Kaidan didn’t expect Commander Vega to know this off-hand, seeing as how his lack of field expertise was commendable as Kaidan was sarcastic — but at least Vega knew what he was doing when it came to head-butting an Eclipse merc in retaliation of an eezo-acid grenade lobbed at him.

‘Mr. Vega!’

Cortez had accompanied them on this particular mission, what with Garrus crawling through air ducts and everyone else not suited for combat. The lieutenant was proving extremely useful, even in an old set of Kaidan’s armor, mostly because he didn’t have his own specially tailored to combat situations.

 _Something Commander Vega should look into later_ , Kaidan thought to himself humorously.

He didn’t expect James to want to take Steve into battle as often as John hadn’t wanted to take Kaidan. There was definitely tension there even if they both didn’t want to admit it.

But the former major had other things to worry about, such as the Eclipse commander maneuvering her troops into position not but thirty feet away.

Somehow they’d managed to corner the lot of the Normandy strike team the moment they’d left the Kodiak. If there was one thing humans did not like it was to be cornered like frightened animals. Kaidan wasn’t about to be made vulnerable again if he could help it.

So he checked the heat-sink in his assault rifle, noticing how low it had gotten. And his biotics were still recovering from the detrimental decay of the Omega-Enkaphalin toxin he’d been dosed with. Eclipse even had some of it on hand but Commander Vega had gotten smarter since their last encounter.

They had Jack.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘Okay so, let me get this straight,’ Commander Vega said, turning to face the psychotic biotic known as Jack. ‘You’ve got an antidote given to you by Cerberus some years back?’

‘That’s right,’ came Jack’s response. She was just as high-and-mighty as ever.

Kaidan didn’t know her personally but he’d done a great deal to help her along after the war. For the several weeks he’d tried to remain with the Alliance Navy he’d given her a heads up on great locations for her students, and those whom Jack felt were the most qualified were recommended for Kaidan’s old Biotic Company. He didn’t know what happened to them but he’d made a solid acquaintance out of Jack.

‘And Lieutenant Alenko believes we can get our own antidote from your blood?’ The commander sounded less and less pleased with this plan than before.

Kaidan would have to convince him.

‘I know we can,’ he said. ‘Doctor Chakwas said Maelon was the best when it comes to cures. I think we can give him a chance to synthesize something out of Jack’s blood.’

James looked like he was considering it, but the silence was a little disheartening the more seconds ticked by. For only a few of those wasted seconds Kaidan could have sworn he heard all the convictions of a young marine drifting by.

‘How long would it take?’

‘I wouldn’t worry about that Mr. Vega.’ Cortez had chimed in at the right moment, giving both biotics a chance to take a step back and reevaluate the situation.

‘The only ones who would need that antidote are biotics anyway,’ Steve added, omni-tool flaring to life. He had brought up schematics for some sort of small machine. ‘This is what I’ve been busy working on.’

Kaidan moved in only a little bit to see what it really was.

‘A delivery system for the antidote.’ A few small buttons were tapped and they changed to what looked like a chemical structure. ‘I’m not a bio-chemist and I definitely don’t know anything about genetics, but it uses an aerosolized delivery system that’s compatible with any helmet system out on the market. Chakwas had me adjust one she has kept in storage.’

‘Esteban, you never cease to amaze me.’

Kaidan could have sworn he heard affection in James’ voice, and soon a blush in Steve’s.

‘And you’re too into promises you can’t keep, Mr. Vega.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘Bring it ON!’ Jack’s bellow could be heard from across the hangar bay.

Still no progress at breeching the main infrastructure of the Cronos Station — Kaidan was a bit disappointed in this turn of events.

‘How many are left Commander?’ It was still strange to call Vega that.

‘At least six from my count,’ came the answer.

Cortez chimed in this time. ‘I have at least four over here as well for a total of ten. One has an Atlas I think.’

The heavy thunk of metal on metal clued the team in onto that. Steve had to say it anyway. ‘Make that one _definitely_ has an Atlas.’

‘Shit,’ Kaidan breathed out. This was turning into a regular nostalgic flashback.

Gripping his gun tighter Kaidan put his thoughts into motion, trying to figure out the best strategy for navigation through the entire facility.

Jack was still throwing shockwaves around but Kaidan knew she’d tire before too long. Her stamina was immense and she was vastly more powerful than he was, but she was also volatile and couldn’t rely on focus as much as the former major. Instead she was a heavy-hitter for a short time and he knew it. She could hold off the enemy here and allow at least two of them to make it, with the third providing support fire when evacuation was necessary.

But who would get to go?

‘Commander Vega,’ Kaidan spoke into the communicator within his helmet.

‘Let me hear it, Lieutenant.’ Finally some field trust.

‘If we let Jack stay here to fight them off she’ll probably get killed. But if one of us stays behind with her the other two can make it into the facility and on with the mission.’

Alenko had been good with plans most of the time, including when it looked like a suicide run, but this was one of those times where he was damn sure of his own abilities. He had been a lieutenant for a long time and clawing his way to the top of the proverbial food chain in command had been grueling, but it paid off.

‘I’ll stay with Jack,’ Vega said, surprising both Kaidan and Cortez.

‘Why not leave me or Cortez?’ Kaidan queried while firing at the closest Eclipse merc. No hit but it was enough to keep them in cover.

‘I’m better with flying ships and shuttles, Mr. Vega. You know that.’ And Steve had a point.

‘I can take more hits than you can, Esteban, and Lieutenant Alenko knows the Cronos Station better than all of us. He was here last time.’

That was an understatement. He’d been there for the fight with Kai Leng where he’d almost lost Shepard again, and that had been on Thessia. Kai Leng had failed and instead met his demise (as promised by Shepard) on the station.

Kaidan was finding this nightmare hitting too close to home far too much. Things were weird, something was off, and he wanted to find out what before history repeated itself.

‘I see where he’s coming from, Cortez,’ Kaidan said.

Steve hesitated, the former major unable to get a read on him through the dark glass of the visor. The flight lieutenant finally nodded and started to move.

‘Jack. Keep ‘em busy.’

‘No problem, Alenko. Get your asses in there and blow this fucking place straight to hell!’

That was the Jack everyone else had known.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

‘Why did you agree with Mr. Vega’s assignment?’

It had been a few good minutes of hustling down a dark hallway, flashlights dancing to and fro, before Cortez piped up with what was on his mind. Kaidan didn’t have a good answer—really a correct one—for the flight lieutenant.

‘I think he has faith in you,’ the former major finally replied.

An Eclipse merc came stumbling around the corner, firing off shots behind her rather than at them. Someone else was on the station. Kaidan raised his own gun, lining up his shot before taking it. She dropped like a ton of red sand and Kaidan was still moving.

He plastered his back against the wall to his right, taking a deep breath as he prepared to move around the corner, waiting for Cortez to jump in the action. The lieutenant instead took up position next to the former major.

‘Remember Cortez: aim waist-high unless I move in your line of fire,’ Kaidan spoke in a low voice. Offered advice and all. ‘Don’t worry about hitting me if you can’t get a new target; my barrier can take it.’

That was _if_ he could get his biotics up and running again. So far nothing detrimental to the mission called for a flare-up but it didn’t mean he liked being ill-prepared. Kaidan would have rather tested his prowess in a med lab before going on a mission, but it wasn’t up to him. Commander Vega wanted him in the field (against his restrictions), biotics or not.

‘Move,’ Kaidan breathed out.

Cortez aimed around the corner first, firing on whoever was at the end of the hallway. Alenko reared his body into view a second behind, his own weapon barrel flaring as the heat sink discharged into the Avenger. He’d gone for the assault rifle over the pistol for this mission, hoping it would do more damage than he could without his abilities.

The bolts returned were aimed wide from both Cortez and Kaidan. Whoever was firing was _intentionally_ missing them. Kaidan held up a hand for Cortez to stop, in which their assailant did the same.

‘Kaidan Alenko, as I live and breathe,’ came the slightly accented voice. White hair and eye not something Kaidan would forget. He’d briefly met this man when Shepard brought him aboard in preparation for the war effort. Mostly it had been for debriefing and of course because the man wanted to see what the Normandy looked like after the Alliance gutted her. Cerberus did a bang-up job on her but the Alliance improved.

‘Zaeed,’ Kaidan stated, some form of shock lacing his words.

‘And what would the Alliance be doing here?’ Zaeed asked, taking a gander at Cortez before focusing on the former major again. ‘Or is this Blue Suns business?’

Kaidan visibly winced at that comment, looking away almost immediately. Like he wanted to relive the fact he had been caught and reprimanded by the Alliance for not only desertion but joining a terrorist organization. Mercenaries weren’t all bad, if Zaeed was anything to go by, but the Blue Suns were some of the worst.

‘No,’ Kaidan said quietly. ‘Alliance business.’

‘Well then, perhaps I can help a little,’ Zaeed said, bringing his rifle up. Jessie — that’s what Zaeed had called it once. Kaidan wondered why, out of everything he had roiling around his head, _that_ was something he wouldn’t forget? At least he would never forget Shepard’s face.

The small pang from that brief memory drudged up something even worse and Kaidan focused on the mercenary now, eyes narrowed. ‘What are you doing here, Zaeed?’

That made the mercenary drop the good show, seriousness settling into his one good eye like a dark cloud. Kaidan knew that look on anyone; it was a man who would get what he thought was rightfully his.

‘Information for the Shadow Broker,’ he replied. ‘She needs it.’

Oh, so Liara was part of this now? What was going on?

‘What information?’ Kaidan demanded, tightening his grip on his rifle.

‘Information got left behind when someone cleaned out the computers here,’ Zaeed stated, giving a quick glance behind him. The insignia of the Blue Suns was still tattooed on the man’s neck where Kaidan could visibly see it. The Blue Suns were his now, though.

‘And Liara wants it?’ Kaidan added impatiently.

‘Yes.’ A simple response.

‘What makes you think we’ll give it up?’ Cortez suddenly asked, interjecting. Best not to let Kaidan get himself in trouble again.

‘Because you aren’t after it,’ the mercenary challenged back, taking a step towards Cortez. If anyone was not going to be afraid of the most fearsome bounty hunter in the universe, it had to be Kaidan. Cortez didn’t know any better; not yet anyway.

‘Did Liara tell you what the information was?’ Now the curiosity was coming through more than the threatening tone. Something had to be important for the Shadow Broker to want it, and if it was information that meant the currency was going way up sooner rather than later.

‘No,’ Zaeed replied. ‘Didn’t need to know.’

‘Because your job is to get it, get out, and give it up, right?’ Kaidan asked.

‘Right,’ came the response.

Something didn’t sound right about that. It was almost as if Liara knew something the Alliance did not, and while that may have been true for her being the Shadow Broker more than anyone else knowing it didn’t mean she had a right to hide that information. If it was important to the mission Commander Vega would demand it, and if Kaidan didn’t get his hands on it there would undoubtedly be repercussions for his actions. Or lack thereof.

‘Commander Vega,’ Kaidan called through the comms link.

‘Go ahead, Lieutenant.’

‘We’ve more involvement than just Eclipse here.’ Kaidan’s report wasn’t entirely inaccurate, but he was starting to wonder if Zaeed had more motive than just information for the Shadow Broker.

‘Kaidan, we have to move,’ Cortez said. ‘I’m picking up movement down the north hall heading this way.’ He clicked a few things on his omni-tool before returning to holding his weapon securely in two hands.

‘I can help you, Alenko,’ Zaeed said, giving a quick glance to Cortez and back to the former major again. ‘Help me get the information and we can finish this base off proper.’

Oh that was tempting indeed. Kaidan had bad memories in this place. It was where Kai Leng met his end, and it had been the mission Shepard guaranteed getting them all out alive. Then came Earth and that had nothing but bad karma written all over it. Kaidan didn’t want to get nostalgic over something like a hunk of floating metal in space.

‘I’ll take care of it, Commander,’ Kaidan added before switching off the channel, nodding to Steve for him to move first before addressing Zaeed. ‘Lead the way.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

When Barla Von had told Shepard that information was a valuable commodity Kaidan had almost balked it wasn’t true. He was glad now he hadn’t done such a thing. Kaidan never enjoyed shoving his foot in his own mouth.

Seeing the images flickering across the screen as Zaeed accessed them gave Kaidan some insight into what Liara was really after. Dozens of snapshots, video feeds, evidential files of Shepard appeared here and there. It was seared into his memory, telling him there was something bigger going on than the Alliance realized. Than perhaps the new Council realized. Kaidan felt his heart sink in his chest at the sight of the man he’d yet to grieve for.

Speechless — it was the only explanation for why he didn’t say anything. Commander Vega had yet to attempt a check-in and Kaidan was thankful.

He wasn’t sure what he could have said without spouting off nonsense.

‘That’s all that’s left,’ Zaeed suddenly said, his words startling Kaidan from his deep reverie. ‘It’s all the Shadow Broker wanted.’

A few more beeps on the console and the mercenary smirked; just the barest twitch of the corner of his mouth. ‘Self-destruct?’

Kaidan hesitated, looking to the bounty hunter and finally figuring out just how lost he really was. Cortez struggled to find something to say, having seen the images himself, but he failed to come up with anything at all. Just like the former major.

If it wasn’t for the gunfire that came blasting through the door Kaidan would have stood there like a complete fool. Zaeed was too focused on the enemy coming through the doorway, same with Steve, and Kaidan was left to set the self-destruct. Once the timer started, flickering over all the screens, displaying they had less than five minutes to get out in one piece, Kaidan made the call.

‘Commander,’ he hailed.

‘Go ahead, Lieutenant,’ came the reply.

‘The station is set for self-destruct. Tee minus five minutes and counting.’

‘Good. Let’s get the hell outta here.’ Vega disconnected from the comms and Kaidan turned to address the mercenary and Steve. He only paused when he noticed Cortez was no longer standing.

The former major rushed to his comrade’s side, kneeling down and using all the strength he had to turn Cortez onto his back. Blood had blossomed from underneath the armor, already dripping onto the raw metal of the floor-plates.

‘Steve,’ Kaidan said, leaning close to check if the flight lieutenant was breathing. He was. ‘Steve, we have to go.’

Cortez groaned, eyelids flickering open now to focus hazily on the biotic. He smiled weakly, unconsciously letting a hand press against the armor plates above the wound to stop the bleeding. Or he was trying to, anyway. ‘Hey, Kaidan.’

‘Come on. We’ve gotta move. This place is about to blow.’ Kaidan was trying to be reassuring, or maybe rushing. He couldn’t quite tell at this moment.

‘Lieutenant?’ Vega’s voice crackled over the communications wave.

‘Cortez is hit, sir,’ Kaidan replied immediately. ‘I can’t move him.’

‘Shit.’

That was all Kaidan needed to hear to know Vega was on his way. Maybe he’d find them in time to get Cortez out. Maybe they’d all die on the space station and Liara would never get her goods. What would the Alliance think of the Shadow Broker getting in the way of them completing their mission? Kaidan knew they weren’t going to find out Zaeed had been there, and he also knew Zaeed wasn’t going to stick around long enough to be caught.

Being left on their own was not such a good idea.

‘I can move, Kaidan.’

The lieutenant focused on his comrade, trying to find the honesty in Cortez’s eyes and knowing it wasn’t going to be there. They could struggle to get off the station but Steve would only slow them down. And Kaidan didn’t want to leave him behind.

‘Let’s go,’ he finally said after a few moments of silent thought. He reached down, slinging one of Cortez’s arms around his shoulders before heaving him up. The groan didn’t go unheard but Kaidan had to ignore it if they were going to make it.

And he wasn’t about to ask Zaeed for help.

In fact he wouldn’t have been able to — Zaeed wasn’t there anymore. Somehow the bounty hunter had slipped off during their exchange, leaving their assailants dead in the hall. At least he’d cleared a path, which helped them a lot more than Kaidan trying to fire a gun while carrying Cortez would have.

‘Lieutenant.’

‘Go ahead, sir.’

‘You got Esteban?’

‘Yeah,’ Kaidan replied. He glanced briefly at Steve as they kept moving before adding more. ‘They got him pretty good.’ He seemed to leave out how they weren’t going to make it.

‘I’m on my way to you. Keep moving.’ How long did they have left? Would Vega make it?

As expected the automated warning system flickered to life, blanketing the passageway in darkness before red lights flashed. Emergency lights, Kaidan realized. And a decidedly female voice chimed in next. _‘Tee minus three minutes, forty seconds before station self-destruct.’_

So that’s how long they had.

‘Kaidan.’

Cortez’s voice made the former major give pause, shifting the flight lieutenant’s weight to better accommodate movement.

‘I’m still here,’ Kaidan responded.

‘Leave me.’

That made him stop entirely, giving a brief glance to Cortez. Should he have listened to the wishes of a possibly dying man? Vega would kill him. There was no doubt about that. Kaidan had seen how they reacted to one another, Cortez and the new Commander. He knew they had a thing for each other but had it been spoken? Or was Cortez not in the same frame of mind?

‘No.’ He felt the gnawing of uncertainty in his gut as he answered. ‘We’re all leaving.’  
There wasn’t a lot of time for debate and Kaidan started moving again, ignoring his rifle as it hung at his side to better carry Cortez along. He was going to have to pick up the pace if they wanted to make it.

Like a sign from above Vega appeared around the corner, his bulk unmistakable even in the dim red lighting.

‘Let me take him.’ Vega didn’t waste a moment taking Cortez from Kaidan, letting the lieutenant reacquaint his grip to his rifle.

While Kaidan hardly expected enemies to come pouring through the doorways he knew there was always the possibility. Better safe than sorry.

_’Tee minus two minutes, twelve seconds before station self-destruct.’_

‘We don’t have time, Commander.’ Kaidan didn’t sound as confidant as he’d been before. Maybe it was the impending doom they all faced; maybe it was because he still wanted to die just a little bit.

‘We’ll be fine. Let’s move.’ Vega was a lot more sure of their predicament.

The halls seemed long, looming before them like the ever-extending passages one experienced in nightmares.

_’Tee minus one minute, twenty-two seconds before station self-destruct.’_

‘Leave me here, Commander,’ Cortez said. ‘You won’t make it if you take me.’

‘I’m not leaving you, Esteban.’

‘You have to.’

‘I’m still not.’

Kaidan couldn’t begrudge Vega wanting to hold on a little longer, knowing it was what he had wanted when they took the final rush to the beam back on Earth. He had felt the crushing of his heart in his chest when the Citadel exploded. It was the last thing he wanted anyone to suffer.

‘Put his helmet on,’ Kaidan suddenly ordered. ‘And yours.’

Vega gave him an unsure look before nodding, flipping the emergency release on Cortez’s helmet and waiting for it to slide the pieces into place before he activated his own. Kaidan did the same when the other two were secure, trying to gather his focus. It was a half-witted plan but he might be able to swing it.

His biotics had to work for it to succeed, of course.

‘Joker,’ Kaidan said. ‘Bring the Normandy around to the port airlock.’

‘Roger that,’ came the response.

‘What’re you doing, Lieutenant?’ Vega demanded.

‘What Shepard would have done,’ Kaidan replied.

_’Tee minus twenty-eight seconds before station self-destruct.’_

While he was almost sure his biotics were going to fail him Kaidan had to have some kind of hope, drawing all the concentration and power he could. He swore for the briefest of moments he could feel the amp flare to life at the base of his skull, the searing pain of a migraine blossoming just behind his eyes. It crept like venomous fire through every portion of his brain before digging its claws into his nasal cavity. Yet as the pain flared through what felt like every part of him the crackle of blue started at his hands, moving up the rest of his body before enveloping Cortez and Vega. Thank God they were only a couple feet away or he wouldn’t have been able to cover them.

Blood oozed from his nose, trickling down to drip into his helmet. His concentration was starting to falter but he knew what to do. Reaching out a hand he slammed it into the airlock’s emergency release, ejecting the outer door before the inner slid open immediately.

The force of space sucked them out as the self-destruct warning ticked off second after second below ten. Her voice faded in the dead silence of space as the Normandy came into view, boarding airlock open to catch them.

A slam of force as they all landed, and the last thing Kaidan remembered before darkness consumed him was the flare of heat and the whoosh of pressurization.


	8. Straight For This Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Normandy gets a new captain, Kaidan becomes a quarian, sarcasm is abound — what more do you want from Mass Effect?

The med bay was silent aside from the whirr of machines as Kaidan regained full consciousness.  He felt dizzy and the disorientation was enough to make his stomach churn uncomfortably.  All-in-all he was still alive and that’s what counted.  The back of his head hurt something fierce, probably from an overload on the amp, but his implant was still intact — it didn’t feel any different than after he’d been assaulted like last time on Mars.

‘Kaidan, you’re awake.’

Cortez’s voice startled the biotic, sending him into defensive mode almost immediately.  When Kaidan realized it was Cortez he visibly relaxed.  The lieutenant was sitting next to him in one of the folding chairs usually stored in medical.  Chakwas said they got in the way too often to have them around; luckily they were still on the Normandy.  If Cortez had to stand around for however long he’d been there Kaidan might have felt more than an ounce of guilt.

‘Cortez,’ Kaidan uttered, his voice cracking just a little from disuse.  His muscles ached as he struggled to let relaxation take over him.  Apparently being as tense as he was when first waking up wasn’t a good thing and he was having a hard time just sitting there.

‘Whoa,’ Cortez started, reaching out to put a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder.  It wasn’t much for support but it was enough to give him just a little bit of strength.  ‘Careful.  You’ve been out for a week.’

‘A week?’  The confusion was evident in the biotic’s voice.

‘Yeah.  You almost died at one point.  Maelon managed to bring you back.’  At least Cortez was up on the situation.

Kaidan took notice of how Steve moved; probably completely healed (somewhat) from the injury he’d sustained.

‘How’s the flank?’

The lieutenant offered a smile in return.  ‘Better.  Had Doctor Chakwas worried it wasn’t going to heal right for a while.’

That admission made Kaidan feel a helluva lot less guilty.  ‘Good.’  What could he really say?  Somehow he doubted Cortez blamed him for getting shot because Kaidan had allowed Zaeed to take them to the control room, but it didn’t make him feel any less guilty.  He just didn’t say it out loud.

‘And your head?’

Kaidan didn’t answer Cortez’s query immediately.  Instead he took his time in feeling everything his body was registering.  Some dull pain made itself apparent at the base of his skull.  ‘Aside from stiff shoulders and a headache, everything’s good.’

‘I’m glad.’

‘I think we both are, Cortez.’

The pilot went quiet then, focusing on the metal of the floor instead of meeting Kaidan’s gaze.  Why had that suddenly dropped?  Kaidan figured Cortez was confidant in anything he wanted to say.

‘Steve?’

The other man waited a moment before answering.  ‘Mister Vega’s reporting in to the Admirals.’

That froze Kaidan’s blood into something like ice.  He carefully treaded into the subject with selective words.  ‘What is he reporting?’

Cortez didn’t answer.

Kaidan did his best not to bristle over the silence and instead patiently gave in to the calming center of his nerves.  It had been a long time since he’d had that much self-control; at least since Shepard had—

‘He’s reporting my injury, your bravery, and his resignation as captain of the Normandy,’ Cortez said quietly.

Wait, Vega was resigning?  Who was he handing the Normandy over to?

‘Why?’  It was the only thing Kaidan could think to ask.

Again, Steve didn’t answer.  The lieutenant instead got up from his chair and headed towards one of the other beds, placing both hands on it.  Was he even thinking?

‘You’d think I deserve an answer after almost dying,’ Kaidan said, tightening his hands into fists.  He had to control the frustration.  If he lost his nerve now nothing good was following it.

‘I don’t know,’ Cortez finally responded.  ‘He didn’t give me a reason.  He just…trudged off to report.’

It seemed like the pilot was in the same boat.  Kaidan found the chance to relax again, laying back on the bed and closing his eyes for just a moment.

Why would James go and resign from being captain of a ship with as noble a history as his own?  Kaidan knew Shepard’s deeds were a tough act to follow but what drove the Marine to doing such a thing?  The biotic felt his head starting to throb and ignored it.  He’d probably find out soon enough — and get court-marshaled again.

‘Staff Lieutenant Cortez.’

A voice had appeared over the comms system, shuffling following soon after.  Kaidan could hear Cortez after that.

‘Admiral Hackett, sir.’

‘Is Lieutenant Alenko awake yet?’

‘Yes, sir.’

Kaidan opened his eyes, turning onto his side as carefully as he could to glance at the screen projecting Admiral Hackett’s image.  Did he miss a few things while he was out?

‘I’d like to see you both in the war room as soon as possible.’

Cortez saluted and Kaidan shifted to his back again, immediately closing his eyes to avoid discovery.

‘Sir, yes sir,’ Kaidan heard the pilot say.

The dreaded feeling of headaches and worry started gnawing at Kaidan’s brain.  He was starting to hope it was _just_ the headache.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

‘Commander Vega’s report on the Cronos Station managed to impress the Alliance Parliament,’ Hackett started, giving a moment to glance at first Cortez and then Kaidan.

The biotic himself had managed to drag his ass out of the hospital bed with Cortez’s help and get dressed.  Passing out had not been involved which was, apparently, a very good sign of his recovery.  And Doctor Chakwas said he would have full use of his biotics again as long as he exercised them between then and the next field mission; whenever that was.

What Kaidan was more concerned about was why Admiral Hackett was actually _there_ on the Normandy.  As far as he remembered no admiral in their right mind would ever show up on a small ship in a giant fleet.  But there Hackett was, staring them down and talking like they had all the time in the world.

Then again, they really didn’t have anywhere to be.

‘Since he also stepped down the Normandy is in need of a new captain.’

Kaidan felt his breath hitch and trying his best not to lose focus on the leader of the Alliance.

‘Major Alenko, congratulations on your new promotion and position as captain of the Normandy.’

Admiral Hackett’s words all but stopped time for the biotic.  Did they expect him to just accept it?  After everything they put him through they wanted him to _lead_?  Did Hackett really expect Kaidan’s newly-reinstated position as Major would persuade him?

‘Sir, with all due respect, I don’t think I’m the best man for this job,’ Kaidan said softly, trying to keep himself steady.  Being emotional during an official debriefing like that was unprecedented.  He didn’t want to seem weak or unsure of himself but the Normandy was Shepard’s ship — he had no right to take that memory away.

‘I appreciate your opinion on the matter, Major Alenko, but the other Admirals and I have made a decision.  You showed courage and self-sacrifice on the field of battle countless times.  You worked hard to get where you are and we all have little bumps now and again.’  Hackett remained steadfast on his comments.  Kaidan didn’t understand _why_.

The Admiral continued.  ‘Commander Shepard would be proud to have you lead the Normandy.’

And that was enough to make Kaidan drop posture and take a step back.  No one brought up Shepard around him, not if they thought it was bad tact.  Kaidan was still soft on what happened to the Commander and he wasn’t ready to deal with it.  He hadn’t been for months now.

‘Details for your first mission will be sent once we’ve consolidated them and affirmed their validity.’  Admiral Hackett saluted them then, leaving Cortez to respond properly and Kaidan to look away.

He wished his headaches would put him back in the med bay.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

‘I can’t do it!’

Kaidan had gone to the cargo bay to get away from everyone.  Already he was supposed to deal with business on the Normandy; to answer any and all problems the crew presented to him.  Datapads full of issues needing resolved, or locations they were to scout for the Alliance.  He didn’t want any of it.

‘I’m not Shepard!’

‘I know,’ Steve replied, having followed the Major down after Kaidan’s sudden fleeing from the war room.  The lieutenant knew more than anyone it would be difficult to keep going after a bombshell like that had been dropped.  He’d taken it hard enough when Robert died, and the Alliance had expected him to carry on.  No time for grieving when the end of the universe was close at hand.  But Kaidan had taken the brunt of all that damage.  Sure Earth and the rest of the galaxy was saved but the Major had little time to mourn the passing of the Commander.

Steve didn’t know if anyone would be able to help Kaidan now.

‘We all know you’re not Shepard, Kaidan,’ the pilot added quickly.  ‘We want to help you and we’re here to support you.  James even stayed with us.’

‘And that’s supposed to make me feel better?’  Kaidan growled out his words, the deep tone of his voice laced with its normal rasp intensified.  ‘How am I supposed to lead a ship when I would rather be out there, as far away from the Alliance as possible?’

Cortez didn’t have an answer and instead approached carefully.  He would need to tread with caution or he would make an already fragile situation break.

Once he was close enough he reached out to lay a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, immediately noting how tense the Major was and how he would need to work a bit harder than anticipated.  ‘Kaidan, you and I both know you’re capable of extraordinary things.  Watching you in a firefight alongside the Commander was inspiring.  You have me now, too.  James bought me my own set of armor and we can work as a team.  You aren’t alone in this.’

But to Kaidan that wasn’t enough.  Zaeed showing up at Cronos Station had been a small blow to the past, and it only got worse when he’d seen the remnants of Cerberus footage.  Kaidan felt like he was collapsing in on himself and taking the universe with him.

‘We’re your friends, Major.  While we might not be exactly what you need, we’ll do our best.’

Cortez gave his words a moment to sink in, feeling the tension in the Major’s shoulder seep away.  Hopefully it wasn’t in resignation, but Steve really wasn’t a mind reader.  He wasn’t sure anyone on the Normandy was.

‘Major Alenko.’  EDI’s voice appeared over the comms in the cargo bay, a slight echo to her voice thanks to the empty space.

Kaidan took a sharp breath and let it out, trying to calm himself.  ‘Yes, EDI?’

‘We have reached the predetermined coordinates for the Tikkun System,’ she replied.

For just a moment the biotic leveled his gaze with Cortez’s, all but pleading him for help.  The pilot didn’t know what to say and instead nodded his head, giving the Major’s shoulder a tight squeeze for reassurance.

‘Take us in, EDI.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The last time Kaidan had seen Rannoch it was all but barren, with a few structures remaining here and there.  Abandoned due to time, he knew that, but there had also been a new structure within a geth base:  a Reaper.  Watching Shepard take it down, actually _kill_ it, had been both mesmerizing and frightening.  That was the moment Kaidan knew never to mess with the Commander.

It had also been a major turning point in the war.

‘Kaidan!’

Tali’s voice, mechanical and accented, caught Kaidan’s attention not a moment too late.  She was already running for them, throwing her arms around the Major’s neck as best she could with his suit in the way.

‘Tali, hey.’  It was the only thing he could think to say.

‘Welcome back to Rannoch!’

It had indeed been a long time.  Things had changed, buildings had been constructed, but without the geth around it seemed their suits were still necessary to keep them alive and healthy.

‘The Alliance got my message.  I was worried they weren’t going to send anyone,’ she stated, the edge of excitement still in her voice.

Time to get to business.

‘What happened?’  Kaidan started toward the compound the quarian had come running out of.

‘Nothing on Rannoch.  I wanted them to send you.  I have important news!’  She was _way_ too excited for it to be something bad.  Tali officially had his attention.

‘News?’  The Major asked as they entered the base, doors sealing shut behind them.  At least he could breathe the same air on Rannoch as found on Earth.  It was a bit cleaner, too; crisper and a lot more oxygenated.

‘There’s a small planet called Xawin, you might remember it—‘

‘I do.’

‘This planet has a hidden base on it we discovered a few weeks ago.  It’s covered in ice and with all the copper in the area around it detection was almost impossible.’

Kaidan stopped walking and grabbed her arm, pulling her back just a little bit.  ‘What’s so special about this planet?’

She hesitated to answer, as if afraid what she was going to say would be a bad thing.  ‘I—‘

‘Tali,’ Kaidan said firmly, still holding on to her.

The quarian sighed and turned to face him directly.  ‘The base is a scientific facility specializing in molecular genetics and genetic adaptation.  It’s also run by the Shadow Broker.’

That gave the Major pause, confusion furrowing his brows for just a moment.  ‘Liara?’

‘Yes, we believe she is still the Shadow Broker.’

It was likely.  Liara was probably one of the strongest people Kaidan knew.  She was brave when she needed to be, and smart when she needed to run.  If anyone could become the Shadow Broker and maintain that position, it was her.

‘That makes sense, Tali.  I ran into Zaeed on Cronos Station.  He — well, Liara — wanted something.  Videos, pictures, left over pieces of information. Stuff that belonged to Cerberus.’  It was the only explanation he could give.  A week of his life had been lost and the details were just as fuzzy.  Whatever Liara wanted she’d gotten it.

But there was still one thing he was confused about…

‘Tali, how did you guys find the base if it was almost impossible to detect?’  A valid question.

The quarian was probably grinning from beneath her mask.  ‘Garrus sent us a message.  He told us where to find it, and that he was already there.’

Garrus?  Oh, shit.  Kaidan forgot Garrus had been on the Cronos Station with them.  ‘He’s alive?’

Tali snorted in disbelief, probably thinking Kaidan insane but the Major ignored that nagging thought.  ‘Of course he is.  It’s hard to kill Garrus.  He took a rocket to the face, remember?’

How could anyone forget those ugly scars?

‘How did he get out of Cronos?’

‘He boarded an Eclipse ship.  They were headed for Omega, delivering something for some client.  Garrus didn’t get all the information but Eclipse’s shipment also contained materials and data from Xawin,’ she explained.  ‘Something didn’t feel right and he contacted us first chance he got.  That was after he’d already landed on Xawin and made it into the base.’

So the turian had managed to find something specifically interesting to the Normandy?  Was it even a benefit for the Alliance to go there and shut down whatever operation the Shadow Broker and potentially Eclipse were running?  Kaidan felt that same confusion come over him and he had to take a step back, crossing his arms over his chest to think.  It was probably one of his better postures.

‘So Garrus needs a rescue mission, or does he want us to go there and poke around?’

Tali didn’t answer the question right away, instead motioning for Kaidan to follow her.  The Major reluctantly did so, approaching the same terminal the quarian did even as Tali set to work switching it on.  Schematics pulled up of first Xawin, then of a central location on the planet’s surface before diving further down to show an underground complex.

‘This is the facility.  The only way in or out is through these doors here,’ she pointed to the screen.  ‘Because of the level two hazard on the planet’s surface, the facility is only open to engineers and skeleton crew.  Only twenty people run this place at any time.’

The schematics changed to centralize on a set of rooms near the center.  She pointed to the hologram.  ‘This is where Garrus has been hiding.  They don’t check that area very often, and he said patrols run about twice a week.  We can work around the schedule he sent to us and plan for escape accordingly.’

‘Escape?’  Kaidan asked carefully.

‘Yes,’ Tali said, switching the floorplans around to show the entrance again.  ‘The guards are trained mercenaries, probably the same bunch Eclipse came from.  I would say ex-military, maybe even Blue Suns with their discipline.  The only way to get past them is to be an engineer.  They’re hiring right now, but only quarians.’

Oh, well that was useless information.  Kaidan’s expression became unimpressed, falling into some disdain for Tali’s intel.  ‘Why are you telling me?  I’m not a quarian.’

The tilt of her head had to mean she was grinning again.  ‘I know you’re not, but we have a way around that.’

For a moment Kaidan was wondering what she meant.  If she expected him to go along there was no way he would be able to fit into their little group or hide much better than a quarian wou—

‘No.  You’re not seriously considering…’

‘Yes, I am.’  She was probably beaming a smile brighter than the sun.  Tali reached out to lay a hand on Kaidan’s upper arm, probably for reassurance the same way Cortez did before.  ‘Something important is in there, Kaidan.  Something so precious they wanted to hide it on a desolate planet that threatens their very operation.’

‘I don’t think I’m the right person to bring this to, Tali,’ Kaidan said, expressing his doubt.

‘I think you are.  And we found a way to make it work!  We’ll give you one of our enviro-suits, and we have a holographic projection system that works visually to make you look like us completely.’  She was talking about his hands and legs, she had to be.  Though he was much shorter than some of the male quarians he’d seen.

‘What am I supposed to do when I get in there?’  This was sounding less and less appealing by the second.

‘Scout around, see what they’re doing on Xawin.  Get Garrus out, that’s part of the plan, too.’  Tali went back to the screen and drew up the plans for the suit, showing how they adapted it to fit a human physique in the arms and legs, but there was some way to make him look quarian anyway.  ‘I want to know what they’re doing.  Whatever they have, whatever is worth dying for, it might help us, too.’

Kaidan doubted Cortez or James were going to be happy letting him go to Xawin by himself, but if there wasn’t another way he’d have no choice.

‘Let’s suit up then, Tali,’ the Major said.

Tali must have _really_ been smiling.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

‘Tali, this is the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever worn.’  Kaidan pulled at the skin tight fabric of the enviro-suit, trying to give his body room to breathe.  The mask itself was just enough to suffocate and he swore he was choking to death.

‘You get used to it, Kaidan.’  Tali had lived in it for years.  Of course she would say that.

‘Are we almost there?’  The Major was getting impatient, and having to fly in like a quarian was a little disconcerting.  Did Tali not realize he was nervous about going in without his normal armor or his own weapons?  As a sentinel he was made to do some serious defensive work with barriers and shields, and this enviro-suit had some of that but not as much as his own armor did.  At least she’d given it the pattern of dazzling swirls of blue and stripes of silver.

‘ETA five minutes, Ambassador Tali’Zorah.’

The pilot of their little shuttle had made a statement Kaidan had not think to ask before.  What had Tali been doing since the last time he saw her?  ‘Ambassador?’

Tali shrugged sheepishly.  ‘I got noticed for the things I did.  Shepard helped when he united quarian and geth but the Admirals thought I was the best choice for our new embassy on the Citadel.’

Good for her.  Someone like Tali deserved blessings when hardship was all she’d known for most of her life.  Living on Rannoch was a bonus to being a savior of the galaxy, and having an embassy on the Citadel again was the cherry on top of the cake.

‘I’m glad they picked you and not someone else then.’  It was the God’s honest truth.  Somehow Kaidan doubted another quarian might have taken it as seriously as Tali did.  Most of the quarians were obsessed with their homeworld and being back on it.  With the geth dead their mistake was easily forgotten, but Kaidan knew Tali would never forget it.  Shepard had created good memories (and sometimes bad) for all of them.

‘Shuttle dropping to lower atmo.  ETA thirty seconds.’

Kaidan stood from where he’d been sitting, giving his legs a chance to stretch and allow Tali to turn on the hologram.  She clicked a few things on her omni-tool before waving it over the chest-piece of his suit.  Something flickered first as light and then to life, pixels constructing themselves over his hands and down his legs.  For all illusory purpose his hands appeared to have the three fingers of the quarians, and the bowed legs they walked on.  Kaidan still felt like he had five fingers and his omni-tool still responded to them over the fake image.

‘Everything appears to be working.  Now we just need your name.’  She pulled something else up on her omni-tool.  ‘State your identity.’

‘Kai’Levaa nar Rannoch,’ was Kaidan’s response.

‘What is your position?’

‘Mechanical engineer for filtration and construction.’

Tali looked up at him now, tilting her head as if to ask for more.  So what was he forgetting?

Kaidan thought hard, trying to recall everything she’d actually told him about how quarians worked.  It finally clicked into place after almost ten seconds.  ‘With experience in programming repair and security drones.’

He’d answered just in time for the shuttle to touch down on the surface of Xawin.  As Tali had explained it, the enviro-suit would give him some protection against the sudden cold of the planet.  Prolonged exposure would cause problems like exo-layer malfunctions, tube freezes, and almost anything extreme cold could really damage.  He had limited time to get from the landing pad to the facility’s entrance.  Thankfully the quarian Admirals had put together his “background” with little trouble and need for persuasion.

‘Good luck, Kai’Levaa!’  Tali shouted to him over the roar of the blizzard building up around them, the shuttle taking off a moment later to get out of the hazard.

Kaidan was on his own now.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The men waiting at the gates for him were dressed in — surprise, surprise — white and yellow armor.  Just by the way they carried themselves and how they held their weapons Kaidan could tell they were trained military.  No mercenary acts like the enemy is about to come out of the woodworks to kill them.  But he approached nevertheless, hustling as much as he could to get closer to them.

‘State your name and business!’  One of the guards spoke loud enough for Kaidan to hear over the howling winds.

‘Kai’Levaa nar Rannoch,’ came his response.  ‘I’m here to run maintenance on the filtration systems in levels two and six.’

The guard who had addressed him checked Kaidan’s information on his omni-tool while the other kept diligent watch on the “quarian”.  Once it was clear Kaidan’s lie would be accepted they waved for him to pass on through, metallic doors parting behind them just enough to allow the Major to slip through.

Still the enviro-suit was giving him problems, a little tight in some areas more than others, and he moved with as much quarian accuracy as he could.  Another guard was inside to greet him.

‘You’re wanted down on level two.  Boss wants to talk.’

Answering or arguing would probably get him shot, making Kaidan nod in agreement and head for the elevator near the back of the loading bay.  The facility was pretty straightforward, just like Tali showed him, but he had to follow procedure until he could get a free moment.

Which meant a rather uneventful ride down to level two.  He wanted to start on six, the spot closest to Garrus and whatever this facility was hiding, but he would bide his time.  The quarians still wanted full schematics for the place.  Not to mention Kaidan needed to find out what Liara was doing with her Shadow Broker power there.

‘Kai’Levaa nar Rannoch.’  The “boss” of the place was approaching him.  Another human.  It seemed Eclipse had gone a bit pro-human since Kaidan had last seen them.  All things considered it was a bit strange, even for them.

‘Sir.’  The Major was about to offer a hand to shake when he remembered he didn’t exactly have three fingers.  He kept himself in check and more focused.

‘The filtration system for oxygen recycling near storage is on the fritz.  We need you to repair it as quickly as you can.  Can’t have our men suffocating in there.’

‘I’ll do what I can.’

‘You better,’ the boss stated suspiciously.  ‘Your people said you come highly recommended.’

It wasn’t Kaidan’s first rodeo.  He was pretty handy with a plasma torch and even better with repairing machines.  One of the things he’d been talented with were electronics and learning how to strip down a Trident before putting it back together was something almost every Alliance grunt learned.  He would keep that to himself as well.

‘Their praise won’t be wasted then.’

The boss let him go after handing him a security clearance pass.  Whether or not it would let him down to level six was something to find out later.  For now he headed towards the opposite side of level two, passing one other Eclipse mercenary along the way — another soldier by the looks of him.

Said storage facility was cramped and tight for room, but it gave Kaidan enough cover (and not security feeds watching him) to remove the faceplate of his suit.  After breathing in a good amount of non-enviro-suit air, Kaidan focused on activating his omni-tool to contact the friendly neighborhood Archangel.

‘Major to Archangel.  Do you read?’

Silence for almost half a minute.

‘Archangel, do you read?’

His omni-tool flickered with interference.  Kaidan almost gave up when Garrus’ voice permeated the static and underlying silence.

‘Major.  Good to see you.’

That wasn’t what Garrus said last time Kaidan had face-to-face interaction with him.  Of course the turian had been calling for help.  Kaidan couldn’t help the small grin appearing on his face.  ‘Calling me for help again?’

Garrus chuckled and nodded, his image starting to come through.  When the turian caught sight of Kaidan’s suit, however, he became curious.  ‘What are you wearing?’

Kaidan looked down for just a second and shrugged.  ‘They were only letting quarians in.  I had to be a quarian.’

The turian’s mandibles flared just a little before twitching.  Was that a _smile_ from Garrus, the most serious turian Kaidan had ever met?  ‘It suits you.’

Oh, that was a pun.  ‘You’re funny, Scars.  You should look into stand-up.’

James’ pet name for the turian made Garrus chuckle again.  At least they were getting the tension out before things got more serious.

‘Where are you?’  Kaidan asked the first question.

‘Level six.  I think I’m in some kind of conditioning facility.  Test tubes, heavy machinery — all of it looks a bit scientific.’

‘Something out of Frankenstein’s lab?’

Garrus tilted his head.  ‘I’m not sure what that is, but I’m gonna go with yes.’

‘Good answer.’

A noise in the back of the storage room commanded Kaidan’s attention, snapping his gaze up to see what made it.  Nothing else rustled or so much as breathed.  It let him relax again just enough to get back to their conversation.

‘I have to fix the filtration unit in here but I’ll be down as soon as I can.’

‘Roger that.  Archangel out.’

Kaidan closed out his omni-tool and reached for the faceplate, sliding it back into place with a sharp hiss and click.  If he had to work he had to do it in a timely manner.  The faster he got the system fixed the faster he could get to Garrus.  If the turian was willing to hold out a bit longer it would give Kaidan time to map the facility, but for now he was content in doing what Tali had sent him there to do.

Maybe Cortez was right — there was no better man for the job.

As a bonus it only took him a little under an hour to get the oxygen-recycler functioning again.  Cleaning out the filters probably had something to do with it, and he would tell them to keep cleaning them on a timed schedule so it doesn’t happen again.

Not like they would need to if the quarians seized the facility.

Level six was a long drip in the elevator, and twice it got stopped to let other Eclipse mercs on.  They grilled him for information as was expected and Kaidan answered pretty smoothly each time.  He’d dodged two more bullets since getting there.  One had wanted to shake his hand but he explained he didn’t think his suit had returned enough durability from the weathering of the cold outside.  They’d accepted it, albeit begrudgingly.

Garrus was waiting for him when he reached the bottom, the doors opening right into view of where the turian was leaning on his sniper rifle.

‘Either that gun keeps getting bigger each time I see it, or you’re just happy to see _me_.’

That made the turian general laugh and shake his head.  ‘Kaidan, you wish I was that into you.’

‘I don’t know.  Scars like that isn’t my thing.’

‘You aren’t that good-looking yourself, Alenko.’

Kaidan rolled his eyes and extended one quarian-looking hand to his old comrade, watching as Garrus took some fascination with the way the hologram wavered when he touched it.  ‘The quarians keep getting more inventive.  How is Tali, by the way?’

‘An ambassador.’

‘Really?  Good for her.’

‘That’s what I thought.’

Again they got through their niceties before Garrus led the way further into level six.  Sealed doors surrounded them down every hallway, marked in red holo-locks.  Kaidan had to wonder what was in all of them.

‘So, what have they been doing down here?’

‘I’m not sure,’ Garrus replied.  ‘So far I’ve seen them take tubes from each room and shuffle them around.  Some go up to the higher levels; others are trashed.  I think they’re doing genetic experiments.’

The turian gave Kaidan a sidelong glance.  ‘I think I saw a yahg at one point, too.’

‘Definitely not Liara then,’ Kaidan mused out loud.

That gave Garrus pause.  ‘Liara?’

Oh, so the turian didn’t know what was really going on, did he?  ‘The quarians did some digging about this place; whatever they could find.  Once you gave them a location they tapped into outgoing transmissions.  Something about the Shadow Broker running this place…  I don’t think that’s possible now.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because Liara’s run-in with the last Shadow Broker had her fighting a yahg.’

Garrus seemed thoughtful for a moment, rubbing his chin as he contemplated.  ‘I remember seeing one on Sur’Kesh when we rescued Eve.  Nasty things.’

‘Agreed.’

At the end of the hall they stopped, Garrus taking a moment to regain his bearings.  Apparently conversation made it hard to remember exactly where they were supposed to go.  ‘I think the most interesting thing is down that corridor.  We need an access code for it though.’

Kaidan smirked beneath the faceplate of his suit, crossing his arms over his chest before cocking his head to the side.  ‘I’m hurt you don’t remember my tech skills, Garrus.  I can get us through that door.’

‘And if you can’t?’

The Major shrugged.  ‘I’ll blast the damn door down.’

It seemed an agreeable approach.  ‘I can’t wait to see that.’

Another roll of the eyes from Kaidan.  It seemed their bad blood from a while ago had simmered down to a little playful anger.  Garrus had been far too upset with Kaidan’s career choice after the war and abandonment of the Alliance.  He’d at least made up for that in some way.

‘After you, Major.’

‘Thank you, Scars.’

Kaidan had already made for the door instead of giving Garrus a chance to respond.  A few clicks on his omni-tool and he was set to work hacking the holo-lock.  He knew it would take a few minutes, maybe even five at most, but he was working as quickly as he could.  It would be easier just to knock it down with a biotic blast, maybe a reave to tear it apart, but he was trying to be subtle.  There was only one way out of the facility and he didn’t want to compromise that.

‘When we’re done here, are the quarians coming back to get us?’  A valid question if Kaidan ever heard one.

‘Yeah,’ he answered, still working on the door.  ‘We send radio to them on subnet frequency and they swoop in to the rescue.  Can’t have all the glory can we?’

Another chuckle from the turian.  ‘I suppose not.  Though it will be good to see Tali again.’

Oh ho ho, what was that?  Kaidan had to stop staring at the flaring orange on his forearm to level his hidden gaze on Garrus.  ‘Wait, you actually want to _see_ Tali?  Since when?’

‘Hey, I always like seeing her.  She’s good at…conversation.’

‘Right, that’s what they’re calling it nowadays huh?’

‘It’s not like I have a thing for her.’

‘Hey, you’re the one that said it,’ he said, though Kaidan didn’t believe that.  ‘And why not?  She seems to have a thing for you.  She’s always excited to talk about you first chance she gets.’

If turians could blush Kaidan was sure Garrus would have.  Just the way his mandibles tightened together, his head tilted down now as he stared at his feet — it was sickeningly adorable.

‘You should take her to eat sometime.  Maybe a date.  Never know what could happen if you don’t try.’

Garrus considered it now, looking away from the Major as Kaidan went back to work.  ‘Maybe you’re right.  If we get out of this alive it’s the first thing I’ll do.’

‘I’m holding you to that, Garrus.’

‘Deal.’

A beeping sound alerted them to the completed hacking of the door, the holo-lock transitioning to green not a moment later.

‘Alright,’ Kaidan said, straightening up now as Garrus came to stand by his side, sniper rifle slightly raised and gripped tightly in both hands.  ‘Let’s see what Eclipse has in store for us.’

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End file.
